A lot of times, we want to make our partner understand what we mean and understand our feelings when they can’t, especially when they’re only coming from their own perspective. Each of us has our own emotions, thoughts, and awareness. The truth is, we are responsible for our own consciousness, not that of others. In this episode, Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman talk about how accepting this truth makes a difference in our daily dealings and how we can show more compassion to others. Coming to this realization also helps us avoid getting trapped in the drama triangle.
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Stop Taking Responsibility For Someone Else’s Consciousness
We are talking about how you cannot take responsibility for anybody’s consciousness. What does that even mean? What is consciousness? What is being conscious? Being conscious is having awareness, having an understanding and having knowledge. That’s what the definition of consciousness is. How could you in a relationship be responsible for what someone is aware of or not aware of? What they understand or what they don’t understand? A lot of times we want to make our partner understand what we mean and understand our feelings when they can’t because they’re only coming from their own perspective. They can maybe, “I hear you.” That’s different than how I feel but to fully really be understood.
We as humans want to be so understood but when we think about it, you’re coming from your own perspective, you’re breathing by yourself, you’ve got your own emotions, your own thoughts. No one’s even experiencing the same situation could have the same exact experience. The understanding that we’re looking for is within ourselves, and then the knowledge of how to shift something, how to understand what’s happening in energy and what to do about it. It’s that knowledge of getting, “I’m in lack right now. How do I get out of lack and into abundance?” When you try to look at your partner and expect that they think like you think, believe what you believe, perceive what you perceive, have emotions that you have, all of that stuff and do it exactly how you do it or else they are wrong, that is a recipe for disaster. That’s being straight back into the drama triangle if you read the last episode that we did.
Often what we hear is, “You don’t understand what I’m feeling and that’s okay.”
Or you have to take responsibility for making me feel better.
The responsibility is more within you. Conscious behavior is an inner perspective. It’s not a right or a wrong. An unconscious behavior is as you were saying blaming someone who’s right, who’s wrong, whereas a conscious way of speaking is more of, “What are our options? How do I feel?” and taking responsibility inside for what happens to me.
I’ll share something that happened. I always like to be very vulnerable and transparent. I worked a lot. I did two webinars and a healing call and two literally classes that were 90 minutes and a meditation in the morning. I love what I do and there are days when I have full days like that and probably would have been a good idea to go right to bed but then I had interviewed Suzie Plakson. That was in the movie, Disclosure, which I love that movie with Demi Moore and Michael Douglas. I love the power of intention. I was sitting there like, “I would love to see that movie again. I’m going to see if I could search it up.” All of a sudden, I’m looking through HBO and it says Disclosure’s coming on in 30 minutes. I was like, “That’s so synchronistic. I love it.” I love it when life works like that. I love the Law of Attraction and just attract stuff like that. I started watching it. Frederic came over and started getting into it and we ended up going to bed at 11:00. I had to get up the next day to conduct my meditations.
I was feeling a little honoree, a little bit off, not as centered, not as skillful and he was reviewing our notes and I needed to gather up my stuff. I’m very organized. I was trying to get everything organized, get everything in the car, get the kids ready to go to camp and he was still taking notes on my notes. I said to him, “I feel like you’re bogarting my notes and I need to get them ready and I’d like to review my notes too.” I was very agitated and he just stopped and looked at me and he goes, “I hear you.” I went, “He hears me. Good. I’m heard.” That’s all I wanted to hear. That’s all I needed is that finish up my notes. I need my notes. I felt uncomfortable because I hadn’t reviewed him. I hadn’t prepared at least for how I wanted to and just with him acknowledging, just saying, “I hear you, I’m done or I’m finishing up.” It was like, “Okay.”
I didn’t need him to understand why I felt the way I felt. I didn’t need him to go into this whole thing of comprehending and having the awareness of what I need to make myself feel comfortable when I go into the studio. He didn’t know all that and I didn’t need to know that he knew that. I just needed to know that he heard my frustration. It might sound silly but we all get in these situations where we’re maybe not as skillful or we’re tired or we’re off and to have your partner neutralize the energy by going, “I hear you,” and not do it in a way like, “I hear you.”
“Calm down or relax, everything is good.” I could have said that too.The understanding that we're looking for is really within ourselves. Click To Tweet
How much we love to hear, “Relax.” When he used to say that to me and I’d be like, “That would make me more crazed. Just relax. Why are you so upset? There’s a reason in it.” It’s invalidating. All he has to say is, “I hear you.” I’m like, “Good.”
Those are the three words.
It diffuses, so whenever you have your partner, could be female or male that comes to you and is a little more stabby in the language or a little bit more emotional. The stress level seems to be higher, there’s an overwhelmed feeling, all you have to do is stay within yourself. If he would’ve gotten knocked off, he would have reacted or responded to me in a very different way.
I got knocked off initially because she’s coming at me and I’m taking care of the paper and I know that these are her papers for the shows that we’re going to do and I’m taking care of her papers. I don’t understand why she’s coming at me and telling me that I need to leave these papers alone. It’s like, “I’ve got it, babe.” I saw that she was also a little bit in her ways. She was caught up in her own stress. Knowing what we know, that comes from the work that we’ve done together not to be in the drama triangle. I just decided after her telling me that to say, “Perfect, I hear you.” That would defuse it.
He did not try to take responsibility for my consciousness. He did not try to change my thoughts. He didn’t try to make me feel a different way, which nobody can make you feel anything. That’s the point is that when you come from the understanding that when you look at it from this perspective, from energy, we’re very fused together, especially if we’re in drama triangle together. If you’ve learned this, he is himself, he is his own entity, there is a place where he leaves off, there’s the place where I start. He’s got his own divine connection with his own life force that he’s breathing. Inside this mechanism, inside this energy tower, he’s got his own thoughts, he’s got his own perspectives, he’s got his own feelings. As a loving partner in this relationship, I need to respect those because they’re not mine and I can’t make him feel a certain way. I can’t force him to think a certain way. I can’t make him behave in a certain way. I can certainly understand how he is coming from himself and has the thoughts that he thinks or the feelings that he has. Sometimes we’ll have the discussion. For example, he’s in a place of lack of something and I’ll just say to him, “How does that make you feel to think that?” The other day we had a great discussion because nothing in this universe is assertion-based. It’s all attraction-based.
Sometimes we might think something’s coming at us or someone’s coming at us or someone’s doing something to us. When you really come from the place that we’re all creating our own reality, that everything is attraction–based and that we’re all attracting it whether we want it or not, whether we’re consciously doing it or not, the way the Council talks about it is it’s all a gift. If you are attracting something that’s contrast, it’s an opportunity for you to get clear on what you don’t want and get clear on what you do want. Understand that we’re attracting it from our energy. There might be a block or an emotion that is a set point for us. I said to him, “In order to create the situation, what would you have to believe?” It just stopped him. Talk about your experience when I said that to you instead of it you being a victim like it’s happening to you when you take responsibility and go, “If I am attracting everything and I am, what would I have to believe in order to create this?”
What would be the choices that I could have made when that situation happened? Looking back at it, I had more than just one choice and I decided to do one thing which caused the repercussion. Looking back, instead me being a victim and all of that, I can say to myself, “What are the other choices that I could’ve made in order to still take responsibility for the role that I’ve played in that? Look at maybe why is it that behavior showed up in front of me basically?” In doing that, that’s a good exercise for me to also get out of the space of being a victim and that happened to me and though whatever situation happens is such a difficult situation to get out of. Instead, I am now in the choices of how could this situation have been either avoided? Maybe it could have been in a less intense way to be dealt with.
Even different like, “What do I have to believe to create something different in the future?” You’re creating from your beliefs so what did you believe in that moment to attract this? It’s like, “I believe that so I need to change my belief in order to attract something different in the future.” Knowing what the belief is that attracted it, you can then say, “If that’s true that I believe this, that I attracted this situation because of what I believed, it could be, I don‘t have enough money. I don’t how it takes to create money.” That’s not his situation but all of a sudden, you’re seeing yourself in debt or no matter what you’re doing, you can’t attract money, then find the opposite belief. This is a polar we have. We live in a Law of Polarity. If there is a reality that exists where you’re not getting support from your partner, there is a reality existing where your partner is very supportive of you.
If you keep attracting a situation and you’re a couple for example, where your partner isn’t supportive or isn’t saying the right things or doing the right things. You have this belief that you’re identifying that, “He’s always like this or she’s never like this,” change the belief. As a matter of fact, write down a new belief of what you would like it to be so that you are attracting the best from that person. However, you have to remember you’re constantly attracting everything in your reality so you can take responsibility for what you’re attracting. You cannot take responsibility for what someone else is thinking, how they are behaving, for their actions, for their own consciousness.You are constantly attracting everything in your reality. Click To Tweet
If someone is stuck in drama triangle and they only know that particular way of being and you’re now coming from places of choicefulness and expansive love, unconditional love instead of conditioned love and you’re practicing the universal laws, like the Law of Allowing. You’re feeling free and good and that person looks at you. They are deeming you as a persecutor, the bad guy because you’re not going along with stuff then that’s up to them. That’s their consciousness and you can’t take responsibility for it.
All you need to do is basically practice compassion for them. That helps to figure out letting go of, “They don’t understand me.” It’s more of that you need to understand yourself and then have compassion for others who are on their way of growth or not.
Steps for this week are just to understand that whatever you’re feeling, is it because someone‘s trying to make you feel that? What are your own emotions? How are you feeling? What are you believing? What are you thinking? Take responsibility for your own consciousness. Let other people have theirs and feel that allowance, feel that acceptance and allowing of another person. Listen to yourself. You can’t make anyone feel something, you can’t take responsibility but you also choose how you feel too. Someone else isn’t making you feel a certain way. You’re choosing your thoughts. You’re choosing how to perceive something. Remember, it’s all based on Law of Attraction, all based on what you’re feeling, thinking, perceiving is your consciousness. Your divine is always in the space of loving you, is adoring you, is wanting to support you. You are divinely designed to have health and well–being, abundance in all aspects, success in all aspects of your life and absolutely loving relationships.
When you know that and you can feel that and you can feel where you’re not in alignment with that, that’s your own conscious work to do. I hope this has been helpful to you. We are actually going to be talking about money, honey. We are going to be talking about how do you play with money in your couple and this is going to be a fun, juicy discussion so make sure to tune in. If you want more support from Frederic and myself, you have lots of ways to do it. You can go to ChristyWhitman.com. Under the Start your Journey Conscious Coupling, you will see different options for a process series of 30 days for an in and out of the drama triangle to help you implement and understand. Of course, we have our coaching together, which is the Mack Daddy of all stuff if you want to shift things quickly. Let us know. Leave us a comment. Any last words?
Have a good week.