Having arguments in a relationship is healthy, but negating every so often can make it absolutely rocky. Being connected consciously as a couple is a secret sauce to saving the relationship from going down the drain. How to be a conscious-connected couple? Learn as Frederic and Christy talk about the major principles of becoming one and share some ways to feed your relationship. Find out as well the behaviors that you have to stay away from at all costs if you want to make things work long-term.
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Conscious-Connected Coupling: Taking The Relationship Deeper
We’re going to talk about the major principles of becoming a conscious connected couple. The first one is whenever your partner comes up with a creative idea, comes up with a suggestion. When we talk about in other shows, when you’re looking for a solution to a problem, and you’re listing all of the choices and options. That’s a good idea. That’s an idea. We could do that instead of going, “No, that’s bad. I don’t want that. That sucks.” It negates the other person and it makes them feel shut down. I used to come to Frederic and be excited about something silly, and I’m an impulsive person. I was like, “What if we did this?” He was like, “We can’t do that. That’s not practical. That’s not logical. It’s not this and it’s not that.”
Instead of first receiving what she’s told me, I was like, “No,” me and my big energy too. I don’t have as much of a big energy level as she does. My energy level is a little bit lower and she’s expecting me to say, “That’s good. Let’s do that.” It is deflating for her. The thing that we want to make sure to tell you is that the partner has to receive what the other one is saying. Acknowledge what the other one is saying like, “I hear you, baby. It might be a good idea but I’m not sure that I want to go there or maybe I want to think about it a little bit.”
It may be not for tonight, maybe another night like if you’re creating a date night together. Making sure that no matter if you have kids or puppies or whatever, you’re still dating your partner. You might be talking to each other about what you want to do tonight. He might say to me, “What about going ice skating?” I might not want to do that and cycle, “That’s a good idea. That’s an option. Let’s think about that. Maybe we could go to a movie.” He’s like, “I’d like to spend more time with you than going into a movie.” I’m like, “Maybe we could go for a walk or go to a picnic,” and then you’re listing all of these things. Not as like, “No, that one sucks. No, I don’t like that. No, I don’t want to get cold.” Don’t bring the negativity into the creative space when you’re thinking about things to do. That’s one of the things we shifted in our relationship because we noticed both of us, it was on both sides where we would feel shut down. It was like we didn’t want to be creative anymore. We didn’t want to bring up something because out of the fear if we were going to be shut down. You want in your relationship that creativity to flow.
Tell each other these wonderful ideas that all of a sudden come up and we’re happy to have these ideas. When I come up to you and say, “I have this idea. Let’s go skating.” I feel like it’s been a while since I’m living now in Arizona and not Montreal anymore. I’d like to skate once in a while. Maybe for her, it’s not something that she prefers to do but for me, in the spur of the moment I was like, “I haven’t skated in a while.” If she negates that idea I had, it’s deflating for me. I receive it in the way of no. If she says, “That’s a cool idea, but the boys told me they would like to go see a movie.” I’m like, “Okay. She heard what I had to say about my skating.”
Maybe we can go this weekend instead of tonight. It’s not that it’s out of the question or, “No, I’m never going to skate again because I hate it.” I’m saying, “That’s a great idea. Would you be open if we didn’t do it tonight? Maybe this weekend or we can talk about when we want to do it.” It’s giving everybody an opportunity to stay in that creative, open flow that’s number one. Number two is that when your partner says something to you not because they do want to hurt you but because they’re preoccupied with something. They say something that comes off the top of their head and it feels like an ouch. Instead of getting mad and reactive, all you have to do is say.
Ouch, that feels bad. It feels bad inside. I’m hurt from that comment.
That didn’t feel good to me. It could be something like you get in the car, he’s been golfing all day. He didn’t have time to take a shower. We get in the car and it’s like, “You stink.”
That’s an ouch.
One time I said to him, “You stink.” He goes, “Ouch, I love you too.” He busted out laughing. I’m like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that.” Our human moments, sometimes we say things and we don’t mean to hurt our partner intentionally, but it sometimes does.
It’s easy also to get offended by it and say, “You don’t want to spend time with me.”
[bctt tweet=”Instead of getting mad and reactive, all you have to do is say, ‘Ouch.'” username=””]
You don’t love me anymore. The relationship is over.
Leave, it’s like, “I’m done,” and all of a sudden there’s a conflict that arises. It’s to be in the space again of being a mature adult and understanding of also how she’s feeling. If I’m coming back from a golf game, I get that I smell like the golf grass and it’s not personal. It’s what she’s feeling. It is towards me but she feels that she’s the one that smells the grass on me. I’m there saying to her, “Ouch, this hurts me. I’m receiving it in a weird way.” For us, the saying ouch is a way of keeping it in a loving space instead of reacting and saying, “What are you saying that for?” There’s no more discussion and then there’s a conflict and there’s a situation where we have to deal with the energy that comes up of frustration and then there’s a fight.
I don’t like those pants on you. Ouch, it’s because the last thing you want to do is ouch your partner that you love. If you say something and he comes back at you or she comes back at you in a way that they’re defensive, they’re now hurt, they shut down. They don’t know that they’ve ouched you because you’re not handling it, not communicating it or not doing it in a way your emotions are taking over. This little process of ouch changed our relationship. It’s one of those tools that changed our relationship because it’s now a quick ouch and it’s like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” He feels heard or I feel heard because that’s an ouch whether it’s something you say, something you do, it’s a great process to get into. It’s a great tool to get into. I say that to other people.
I say that to my mom now. I’ve said it to my sister-in-law where you might have people that are in your life that have negative perspectives on things or negative opinions. They say whatever comes out of their mind without thinking about it or how it would be affecting another person. They’re insensitive. I’ll say to my mom, “Ouch,” and she’s like, “I didn’t,” and I’m still getting out the fact that didn’t feel good for me. Hearing that does not feel good for me. The person that loves you whether they’re conscious or not, it makes them step back and go, “I apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Another step, another tool, another principle for conscious connected coupling is the looks that you do, the looks to connect. We all have busy lives but if I take a moment and I connect with Frederic and a word does not have to be said. This is a moment to connect with him and for him to connect and we feel each other’s soul presence. We’re feeding the relationship.
When we’re in a room and we’re with friends or we’re with family, we’re entertaining others, we’re talking with others and perhaps it’s been a little while that we haven’t spoken to each other to stay connected to one another. We look at each other across the room and when we do give each other a look like that, it’s a reconnection of our couple within our couple. It feeds our love, feeds our relationship even when we’re not necessarily together talking with each other. It’s give each other a look.
It’s an energy exchange of love. What happens is it comes from my eyes but it’s coming from my heart. The energy goes out to him and then he’s able to receive it. He also gives it back by his look and presence to me. It’s this beautiful infinity symbol of connection and love that is going back and forth. That is what we are feeding. You could feed the relationship. We’re feeding the relationship all the time. If I looked at him and I had a mean look on my face, I’m throwing daggers of energy at him. That is not loving. He’s going to receive it and he’s either going to cower, depending on the person. He’s going to get mad himself or he’s going to be like, “Ouch,” whatever that is. It’s being mindful of the energy that you’re giving out to your partner. One of the ways is through your eyes and the looks that you give him or her.
We’re not saying to be fused together and there is the timing for us to do this. It’s not like we need to absolutely.
We’re not in the elevator and looking at each other all the time. It’s a connection point.
It’s been a while. For example, we’re at a party. It’s been an hour or so that we haven’t spoken to each other. Sometimes it’s a little friendly look that we give to each other and it’s a way of playing too with each other. It’s a little playful.
We did it. We’ve got the puppy, we’ve got the kids. We’re trying to get everybody out the door so we could come into the studio. It was got in the car and spend a moment in the breadth of looking at each other and connecting with each other. The chaos of all that’s going on, we still stayed connected. The next one is similar to a look but it’s a touch. We could be in the kitchen. We could have the puppy running around and the kids doing all sorts of things. I could come up to him, grab his arm and he receives my love in that way. I can come over and flirt with him and grab his butt or smack his butt or that thing. Something like that or we could be on the couch and he reaches for my leg and starts massaging my dog spot, my place on my foot that I love. Doing something where it doesn’t take a lot of time but it’s another way of feeding that relationship and showing your partner that you love him, you love her, you’re thinking about her and it’s a quick touch. Maybe it’s a nice little shoulder rub while he’s making the lunch or making the dinner or whatever. He comes into my office and touches my shoulder and says, “I’m thinking about you, love you,” touch.
[bctt tweet=”Name-calling each other is a cancer in your relationship” username=””]
Another one is words. Words are important. I have a whole series called Watch Your Words. You can go to WatchYourWords.com. It takes you through a series of what words to say, what words not to say and why because vibrationally some will pull down your vibration and are rooted in lack. Other ones are higher in vibration and make you feel good. The words we say to our partners, even giving words of affirmation. We talked a little bit about, Chapman‘s work on the love language a couple of episodes back, but texting him and saying, “I love you.” He was at soccer with the kids. I was teaching in class. After I got done and then informed him about how the puppy peed, pooed and all that he did. I sent him a message saying, “I love you.” Even deeper than that, you’re my favorite person on the planet. I think I was what I said on this big rock is what I said. Even words of affirmation like that, keeping each other, I love you or telling him.
I’m grateful for what you do for the family.
Like he did when we were preparing dinner and he took care of the puppy. I took care of the rest of the dinner. Him affirming to me, I appreciate what you did and I appreciate all that you do for the family. Having the acknowledgment and having those words of acknowledgment of, “Thank you so much for how you take care of the boys’ soccer, sports and make sure they’ve got everything that they need.” Those things feed both of us and feed our relationship. We’re not coming from a place individually where we need the other person to feed us. We’re both whole and complete and we work on that on a daily basis to stay centered and aligned within our own selves. This exchange is a beautiful part of our lives. We get to share that higher level energy with each other but we’re not like, “Feed me because I’m empty.”
It doesn’t come from a place of fusion where we need to stay stuck together.
Fusion meaning two people are one. Our emotions are one. Our opinions are one. No, we are two individual human beings with our own different feelings, with our own different perspectives, with our own different preferences and likes. I don’t like to play golf but he does. He doesn’t like to go do spa stuff, but I do. He allows me to do what I like to do. I allow him to do what he likes to do. We don’t have to be together 24/7 now I have to become a golfer or he has to go get massages with me. We get to do our own separate things. He is Frederic. He is a dad. He is a husband. He is a son. He is a brother. He’s the son-in-law, friend and all the roles that he plays, but he’s Frederic. I am mom and puppy mom, wife, daughter, sister-in-law and all that stuff, but I’m Christy. When you think like, “This is my husband, that’s my wife. These are the roles that we have to play,” that’s fusion.
One, I have a saying to her is I want to be with Christy now. When I get to be with Christy, we get to play together. We get to laugh together. We get to enjoy each other and be with each other. That’s what happens when we give each other those kind words, words of affirmations. I’m able to perceive Christy. I get it in the inside of my heart when I get these words and vice versa too. When I send words to her by texts or write something, it’s from my heart, from Frederic’s heart and she receives it in the same way.
A couple of other ones. We go through these in-depth in our online courses and we go through not just the awareness and the understanding of them, but the application of them. It’s in the application in your relationships where the changes are going to happen. We’re trying to give you bite-sized pieces of information on this show that you can take them and start applying them. Take them even if your partner is not reading this blog with you. You use these and for next time someone insults you go, “Ouch.” See what their reaction is. When someone says, “I’ve got an idea,” instead of the normal way of saying, “No, I don’t want to do that.” Go, “That’s an option. That’s a choice.” Doing these different things, watching your words, being able to show looks about appreciation, touches of appreciation and words of appreciation. Two other ones we wanted to talk about that are important are more towards the behavior of definitely you want to stay away from at all cost is number one, name-calling.
You don’t ever want to and we have that rule in our family, even with our kids. We do not name call. We don’t go, “You’re stupid or you’re a jerk or you’re a knucklehead.” Name calling is not allowed in our family. Even when the boys are saying, “He’s trash.” The kids come up with these little words. No, that’s name calling. It doesn’t feel good. It’s not good for you to name call and it’s also not good for anybody to hear that. This especially is true and couples that we have worked with, we never did that. He never called me a wench. That wasn’t our thing but couples that we have coached, if the husband for example gets mad, he’ll call his wife a wench and that’s damaging in that relationship or the wife will call her husband a jerk. Think of cancer in your relationship when you name call each other.
One of the reasons for me in getting personal here is that I would hear my mom and dad as long as I grew up and they still do it. My mom is 83, my dad is going to be 87 and they’ll still call each other names. That’s not what love is supposed to be and that would hurt my heart when I would hear them calling me a name because they used to call me a pain in the butt which never felt good. Calling each other names and in a loving relationship that behavior, that habit, it doesn’t belong. It’s not going to help you create a conscious connected couple. It won’t.
It’s letting these emotions of anger getting the best of you once that’s inside and you need to name call especially the one you love. What happens afterward is you need to backtrack and apologize. Forgiveness that needs to happen and it doesn’t feel good for any of the parties once that’s done. It’s received inside that person. It’s like cancer growing inside. It’s a no-no. That’s always been a rule of ours in conflicts and arguments. We have a set of rules that we’ve said to each other when we are in a state of anger and there’s something that is frustrating us. It’s important to say to the other and to realize, “The other one has told me that if I name call, it will be received in a way that is hurtful.” For me for example, if there’s yelling or if the doors are smashed shut, that for me shakes my soul inside. I remember telling her that and her being aware of that. When she’s in that space of anger, it’s not as intense as it used to be. She knows too that the shutting of doors doesn’t need to happen.
[bctt tweet=”Instead of going against your partner, work with your own emotions.” username=””]
It felt good to do but it would upset him like yelling. Yelling would get me. It would shake my whole being like, “I can’t have you yell at me like that.” There was so much yelling in my house when I was a kid, it would get me at my core and I would start shaking. It doesn’t feel safe. When he’s yelling at me, I don’t feel safe in the couple. What I want to say about wrapping up the name calling is that name calling is divisive in the sense that if the person is hurt and they have the resentments because they’ve been hurt. Those are like snakes and scorpions in your relationship that are constantly biting you. Most people don’t understand how to release a hurt or resentment. They don’t understand the process and the power of forgiveness. That’s important as you have longevity in any relationship.
The last and final one is screaming and yelling at each other. Before, it’s natural. It happens. He might say something or do something. I might feel a whoosh of an emotion. Maybe I’m frustrated or maybe I’m angry. I was done, I was like, “I am tired. I can’t deal with the puppy anymore.” I knew that point for me I’m like, “Can you all please take care of the dog? I need to go to bed and I need to go to bed now.” It’s because I’m aware of my own self-care and I was announcing to everybody, “Boys, I’m not going to cuddle with you as long because I’m tired. I’ve got nothing left.” I even said, “I need sleep.” If I don’t listen to that and push beyond it, then I can get more overwhelmed, frustrated or even angry at the smallest things.
That’s for me to understand what’s happening inside of me that I’m taking care of myself. In those situations, if you’re learning how to process your emotions, how to do self-care, how to understand I’m feeling this whoosh of anger. Instead of going at your partner, work with your own emotions. After you work with your own intensity of the emotions, then communicate to your partner instead of screaming and yelling at your partner. Think of it as spewing poison that is detrimental to your relationship.
We are taught to give or release our anger that way. We have the best intentions but it’s not the best way to do it. There are other ways to release that anger and take care of ourselves first before we hurt our partner that we love so much.
Think of something that you can do to feed your relationship either giving a look, a touch, words of affirmation, allowing your partner to have their creativity and choicefulness. Don’t negate. Watch the negative behaviors that you yourself have and start to become aware of why you do them such as name calling, screaming and yelling, those things. Start practicing the ouch. If something should happen to anybody, it could be with your boss, it doesn’t matter. We are here talking about conscious connected coupling, but these tools can be used in any relationship. We’re in a relationship with everything and everyone in our lives whether it’s our most intimate, to our children, to whomever else, our friends, family or who else. These tools will definitely help in any relationship but let us know what you’re taking away, what you’re applying. We’d love to hear your feedback on how these tools are helping you.
Words of appreciation to your boss though, they don’t hear that too often. I had a person I was working with my marketing guy and I’m always in appreciation of people that I work with and I said, “Your team is amazing. I’m grateful for you.” He was like, “I don’t get a text or an email.” Words of appreciation, usually there’s a problem.” He goes, “It’s refreshing working with you because I feel appreciated.” Everybody wants to feel appreciated especially your intimate partner. Next time on the show, we are going to be talking about when you snap at your partner. Be sure to join next time. Thank you all so much. Have an amazing week.
Enjoy your time together as a loving conscious connected couple.