Not all couples are the same when it comes to dealing with relationship struggles. Some prefer to stay private and intimate about it, while others prefer to seek advice from friends and mentors. When things are going downhill and neither of you can dig out a solution, it is best to admit that it is time to seek help. Discover some of the most meaningful wounds that protect one’s self from opening up and how to heal from it. Also, learn the advantages of getting insights and guidance from coaches and mentors that can massively work wonders in a relationship.
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Seeking Relationship Advice
I want to talk to you about maybe seeing someone about our relationship.
I’m not sure that I want to talk to someone about our intimate relationship. This is my relationship with you. This is personal to me. I do not see the benefit of that.
You and I both have some issues that we need to talk about and it’s not working very well. Someone else could be an observer and give us some tools and help us out energetically. If we keep going in this direction, I don’t know that we’re going to make it.
You and I can talk over things. It’s our relationship. Why involve someone else?
We’re not communicating properly. We need somebody else to help. Does this sound familiar? This was many conversations that we had because he believed, what?
That my relationship with her was intimate.
Which is true for me.
For me, intimate meant to not to share with anybody. Not to open up with anybody. They’re friends. We talk about our relationship, but it’s really surface talk when we talk about our relationship. You don’t start talking about the deep levels of issues.
Women do. We talk about intimacy.
Maybe it’s a man and woman thing. For me, I felt that my intimate relationship was something that belonged to me. It was inside of me to be kept almost like a secret. To open up to someone like a therapist or anybody else, it meant a lot of work. It meant that I needed to dig down inside and say what was coming up from me from that perspective to say it to someone. I felt like I was not ready to open up to anybody in terms of taking a look at our relationship. Had I not change that, had I continued on the same path where I was digging my heels and not wanting to do any type of work in our relationship, to try to improve our relationship, it would have been detrimental to our relationship. I’m happy that I decided to open the door and at least start the process of speaking to someone so that I would get clarification on how I was reacting and how she was reacting as well. I would learn and understand the behaviors, why she was so angry, why she was feeling that way. It wasn’t necessarily because of me. I was triggering some things that she had lived in her past life and vice versa. She was triggering some things that I had lived in my previous life through previous experiences.
Family, relationships, all that.
Which comes up too that there are wounds inside of us. There are things that push our buttons, as we say. There are things that are very sensitive.
I’ve known my girlfriend, Leslie, since college. We met at a bar in Scottsdale or Tempe. We were waitresses. As long as I’ve known Leslie for a couple of years now, she’s been with Brad. They’re going on their 25th wedding anniversary. I remember, I went through my own rebellion and guys and moving around and all this stuff. Leslie, at a very young age, got married. She was 23 when she got married. She just knew that she wanted to marry Brad. She had kids two years later. Here she’s 25, she’s got a kid, two years later she has another one. I’m partying all over Chicago and living in different places.
I always looked at Leslie and Brad as what was a vision for me as a role model because they got along really well. They communicated well. They still are each other’s best friends. They’re going through each of every stage of their relationships beautifully and with great communication. I was telling Leslie, “I would love to have you and Brad on the show to talk about what are the things that you guys do and the success of your relationship.” She was like, “I would love that. Let me talk to Brad about it.” I had breakfast with her and she goes, “By the way, I brought it up to Brad and he goes, ‘No way.’” She goes, “Why?” He goes, “That’s it. It’s our relationship.”
It’s the same situation that I had.
Although Brad and Leslie didn’t need help in their relationship, he didn’t even want to talk about their relationship. We’re talking about how it is a belief among men and not just all men but more it’s very traditional with men that they don’t want to talk. They don’t want to talk about their feelings, they don’t want to talk about the relationship. They don’t want anybody coming in and telling them what to do in their relationship. When you feel you need some support, I want to give this because this show is on beliefs. We want to talk about who this really is for, why we’re both so passionate about it. How can someone that didn’t want to talk about his relationship with anybody now talk about it on this show and letting people in to know about what we do in our own intimate relationship? That’s a huge all or nothing kind of thing.It’s surface talk when we talk about relationship. You don't start talking about the deep levels of issues. Click To Tweet
The thing is that there are people that realize we were at that verge where we weren’t doing well as a couple and we needed help. Thank God that I had a person I was working with, her name’s Karen Wilson, that knew about energy and focus and gave us a lot of the tools that we now share and teach. It changed our relationships. We’re both very, on a daily basis, grateful for Karen. We had seen, without getting too personal and sharing names, one of our boy’s friends, their parents are getting a divorce and they’ve got three young kids, five, seven and nine. The boys enjoy going over there and everything.
The couple, the man and the woman, decided to go to a therapist and they sat down in the therapist’s office. The therapist like most, because that’s how many are trained, not all, it’s like anything. You’ve got amazing coaches and then you’ve got coaches that don’t know what they’re doing. You’ve got amazing therapists that change people’s lives and you have therapists that shouldn’t be doing therapy. You’ve got lawyers like that, doctors, any field that you’re in. What they did though is they went to a therapist. The therapist asks the first question, “At what percentage from 0 to a 100 are you thinking about divorce?” What a horrible question because if he and I went in and had that question asked to Karen at one point in our relationship, I might have been really angry about something. At one point I was. I would have been like, “100%.”
He was like, “Where do you go from there? She’s made up her mind.” It might be in a moment of being angry or I could be like, “I’m not thinking about divorce at all. I’m just upset right now.” What if he goes, “25%.” “You’re thinking about divorce?” There’s no good that could come from a question like that. If you are going to work with someone like ourselves, this is what we do. I’ve been coaching for over fifteen years. We help you from a real couple example. We also bring in the Council of Light, which we need to bring them in on some of these episodes. We talk about and bring in universal principles coming from the place that you are abundant, that you absolutely are destined, designed like a divine design to have two arms, two legs, no tails. You’re a human being.
You are also divinely designed to have relationships that are loving, that are fun and that are connected to allow yourself to be loved and to be able to give love in a way that is expansive for everybody. I’m grateful because the patterns that we learned as kids, as young adults in our first relationships aren’t so great. Maybe we shut our hearts down. We don’t know how to forgive and release. We’re working with a woman that she’s been angry at her husband for fifteen years because of something he didn’t do. I’m working with her diligently to try to forgive and she’s like, “He needs to,” and it’s like, “No, you need to forgive first.”
Forgive inside of you first, inside of us. Again, the I.
We expect the Law of Allowing, which is universal laws. I’ve built my whole entire philosophy, my teaching, my coaching, my coaching certification, everything is based on the seven essential laws. One of those laws is so important in a relationship and that’s the Law of Allowing. If you’re looking at your partner saying, “If you would just change, then I’ll be happy.” You’re going against the Law of Allowing. You’re in a construction place. You’re waiting for the other person to do something so that you gave yourself permission to feel something. If you would need to forgive someone, it’s not based on what somebody else does. You have to practice forgiving. You have to let go. You have to open your heart.
You have to be willing to release the things of the past. When we got to a place where we finally were working together with Karen and we were learning these different tools in our relationship, there were things that both of us, out of not being in alignment with ourselves, being in our old patterns, had to forgive each other for. If we didn’t, it was like cancer in our relationship. Nothing good was going to come of it. We made a commitment to let go of all the stuff of the past. The things that he did years ago that used to irritate me, he doesn’t do anymore. He’s a different person because he’s evolved. He’s changed. His energy is different.
That’s what it’s all about. When we talk about getting some help, getting energy help, coaching with someone, coaching with us, it means that you not only get to a look at your partner, how does she or he feel, but you get an understanding of how you feel right inside of that relationship. It’s not what I used to think, “Opening up to my feelings. I’m going to have to do some crying.” There’s some part of that but it doesn’t start like that. It doesn’t start where we have to spill out all our emotions. I think men, we are afraid or it’s not necessarily the first thing that comes out talking about our emotions, but we slowly get there. It’s fine. What I want to say is it’s more of an understanding of each other within the couple of why you’re reacting a certain way, the reasons why you’re doing certain things. Once you get an understanding of that, then the layers peel off and then you can feel those emotions. Some men, we don’t want to feel emotions. I remember for myself I didn’t want to show these emotions. I kept it in behind my shell. That did not help me. She was always trying to understand, to know where I was. Was I happy? Was I sad? Was I fearful? Was I mad?
Is there someone in there?
Trying to get me to show her some type of emotions and I didn’t want to show any emotions. That helped me to peel those layers of understanding. Now it’s easier for me to say to her, “I’m mad or I’m happy. I’m upset or there’s something going on in there, there’s frustration going on inside.” That’s in a nutshell what it is. It doesn’t need to be a situation where it’s an urgent situation that we need to get on a call with someone, otherwise the relationship is lost.
There were times like that though.
It could be also a way to be support inside that relationship for each other.
The biggest turning point for you when you were working with Karen yourself doing your own one-on-one work was you realized that you had a huge wound of when your parents got a divorce. I’d love for you to talk about that because that is one of your biggest wounds. It’s something that you are protecting yourself against in our relationship. It’s something that you had to evolve within yourself to show up as the man that you are now. It’s one of the reasons we’re doing the work that we’re doing now as a couple.
I have now realized that what I was protecting in our relationship was that. It was protecting against the fact that I didn’t want to end up having to split my marriage and to end up in a divorce. I was doing everything I could to protect it because I unconsciously did not want that to happen to my relationship. What was going on, it was leading to that. I was doing things that my father was doing and that my mother wasn’t happy in her relationship. I was doing it to Christy. Now what was going on is it was a projection of what I had seen in my family, the divorce between my mother and father. I was doing everything in my power to protect that. Until I got to understand what was going on inside of me, that there was some fear of me repeating that same step of getting a divorce. I had to work on the fact that I’m not like my father, I’m not like my mother either. I’m Frederic and I can have a fun, loving relationship, a long-lasting relationship with my wife. Me coming from an understanding, it’s understanding what’s happening inside of me. What are the frustrations? What are the things that are working? What are the things that are not working in my relationship? That was a big wound for me. I didn’t know it at that time. I was sixteen years old when my parents got divorced. I thought, “I’m a teenager.” I was preoccupied with my life.
What happens even when someone’s sixteen years old, and you might have had your parents go through a divorce as well, I did wish my parents would have. I’m glad they didn’t but I used to tell my mom, “Get a divorce.” That was a complete polar opposite experience. I wanted them to. What happens when inside of a child, even when you’re sixteen years old, is it splits your energy because you have this triangle between mother, father, child or male, female and it’s like this conflict triangle. When the parents split up, it splits the child and that’s where it becomes very confusing. That’s what happened is he had this split and energetically he had to have those parts of him come back. He had to pull the energy from his mom and his dad to come back to a whole Frederic where he lost his power to his mom and his dad. He was like, “Who am I?”
As a teenage boy, that’s the time when you need your dad around to tell you that, “You’re now becoming a man and here are the responsibilities of becoming a man. Things that are coming up, you’ll have relationships, you’ll have issues with work, you’ll have responsibilities in your life.” I didn’t have that. I was looking for that parent or that mentor, the male, the masculine energy to show me the way. That was a big wound for me. I’m happy that in the end, I did accept and agree to do some work on myself and now being more conscious and aware. I’m able to be more loving to my wife and come from a place within my heart and not as much inside the head. As I was saying, not trying to hide myself from her and what I was doing.Getting some help means that you get an understanding of how you feel right inside of that relationship. Click To Tweet
I felt alone. I would be with him and I felt very alone because I had to try to pull stuff out and I wasn’t getting much. Now it’s like, “What do you think about this?” He’s like, “I either have to think about that or I feel this,” but he’s got an opinion on it. He might have to think about what his opinion is or what he prefers about that. I’m willing to wait but it’s great because now I’m able to receive him more. I’m able to get to know him more. I’m grateful for that because the more he shows up, the more that he shares what he prefers and what he loves. I love him even more and I feel more connected to you because of that and am very grateful for your willingness.
We’re going to throw this back to you. What do you believe? Do you have both of you in the relationship ones like all for growth, all for doing inner work and the other one’s like, “Absolutely not?” Do you have one person who is like, “I’m willing to do work for business,” like he was, “When it comes to my intimate relationship, absolutely not?” Is your partner willing to listen to these shows with you to get some tools and tips? Next time, we’re going to be talking about the major principles that we feel are to become a conscious connected couple. We’d love to know what you’re taking away from these shows, what you’re enjoying about them, what you feel that you want to learn more about. We always say we’re not perfect. We still have our things, we’re going to share the stuff that happens, but thank God we have tools now to apply in our relationship with our kids, in our whole family unit.
It’s easy on all of us. We have these tools to talk about, to communicate together in a mature way as well. We don’t let the eight-year-old inside wanting to explode and the mature self inside could sue that eight-year-old and say, “I’ve got you. You’re safe.”
Let us know what you’re taking away and be sure to join next time when we talk about the major principles of becoming a conscious connected couple. Thanks, everybody. Have a wonderful day.
Have a good day.