Every emotion that we feel is real and valid. To own your fear, anger, sadness, and joy is acceptable. On the contrary, seeking validation in a relationship and expecting our partner to feel what we feel is on the wrong track. As much as it sabotages what couples have, you also end up losing yourself in the process. Find out how the need for constant approval from your partner can ruin a relationship and how to avoid this from happening as we delve into the value of knowing yourself and what you want and the worth of having an “adult talk” with your partner.
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Ever Need To Be Validated?
“You need to understand how I feel. How come you are not angry like I am?” We used to have that in our relationship where I would get angry about something or I’d be frustrated. There was a situation that happened, maybe it was my family or his family or friends or something. A situation will come up, I would explain the situation and he would listen to me. He would receive the information and be supportive and everything but I would be fuming angry or I would be frustrated. I would feel what I was feeling and I would look at him and he would be like, “I get that. That sucks.” I’d be like, “How can you not be angry?” I wanted him to feel what I was feeling.
Here’s the deal. You could have the same exact situation, two totally different people, man and woman. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus from John Gray, it’s so true. We process differently. Not only that, you could have two different women in a couple and have the same situation and both could be feeling and processing it differently. We cannot expect our partners to feel what we are feeling because we are our own containment. We have our own thought processes. We have our own feelings that are based on our past programming and how we process that energy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you angry like I used to get angry. You’ve gotten angry a couple of times and he processes anger and feels anger differently than I do.
When she would get angry, all that I would tend to do was trying to solve that anger somehow. How do I make that anger disappear?
How can I extinguish it? How can I make her stop feeling anger?
That’s not going to work either until I realized the language also of, “I hear that you’re frustrated.” That had to be learned where I don’t need to share that emotion with her. I don’t need to do the opposite of trying to stop her from feeling that emotion, but I can understand where she’s at.
In the same way, you fully can’t understand where I was at. You couldn’t fully understand the extent of why I was angry. My mom was telling me a situation where my dad got upset because an Uber driver or a Lyft driver didn’t come and pick him up on time. He was really frustrated. He was saying to her, “How come you’re relaxed about this? How come you’re not frustrated?” She’s like, “Because I’m not.” We as humans have learned, at least I can speak for myself, that you need to get as angry as your partner. My expectation for my partner is that if I’m feeling this anger, you need to validate that anger. You need to validate how I’m feeling.
I used to watch my mom say, “I’m feeling this. Don’t you think it’s okay?” She would take a survey of all of her friends, including me, saying, “Don’t you think that was wrong and that I should feel this way?” Let’s take a survey. Everybody thinks I should feel angry. Now, it’s okay to feel angry. As long as everybody’s validating that I’m justified or right in this, now I can feel my feelings. Feelings are just feelings. I remember as a young kid when I was growing up, I had a CCD. I was in Catholic School. I had an instructor tell me that feelings are feelings. They’re not right or wrong. When I heard that, it completely changed my life. I think I was in seventh or eighth grade.Feelings are feelings; they're not right or wrong. Click To Tweet
I remember saying my feelings and my mom would tell me, “That’s wrong. Don’t be an idiot. Don’t be so sensitive. Don’t be that. Don’t feel that.” I was like, “No, mom. They’re not wrong.” Feelings are feelings. In the same respect, if I’m feeling a whoosh of anger about something, someone crossed a boundary or I didn’t get what I want or whatever was happening, I can feel my own feelings and be okay with feeling my own feelings. I don’t need him to tell me it’s okay because looking for validation, looking for someone to validate how I’m feeling, nothing can be validated except for a car stick ticket. That’s what gets validated is car parking. Our feelings cannot be validated. The only one that can validate our feelings is ourselves. We cannot expect in a relationship for our partner to feel what we feel.
It’s not an understanding but it’s more of accepting that’s where you’re at.
Do not try to pull me out. I know we’ve had conversations too like if I feel a certain way, you’re not trying to say to me, “Don’t feel that way. You’re not justified in feeling that way. Get over it,” or any of that stuff. We now allow each other to feel what we’re feeling and to have as long and take as long to process. It isn’t like a control thing where I’m going to be mad at him for days and I’m going to use that as manipulation and play a victim and be in control and all that stuff. I genuinely will feel and express my feelings and then when I’m done feeling the rage or the anger or frustration that comes up, that’s after I’ve processed my emotions. Then I go and speak with Frederic because if I’m coming from anger, he’s not going to be able to hear me. All he’s going to be able to feel is the pulsation of that.
The intensity of the rage coming at me instead of hearing the words that she’s trying to say. Often those are issues and conflicts that arise in a couple. Somewhere deep inside, one of the partners where there’s an issue that’s being felt and it’s coming out right away at the other person, which creates a conflict. Instead of trying to settle what’s inside first and talk about it or write about it and then communicate it together in more of a peaceful manner. We call it the adult conversation instead of the four-year-old that’s inside wanting to burst in flames.
Throw a temper tantrum. That was a big thing for us. We’re trying to give you nuggets and pieces of information that will help you along in your entire relationship. One of the biggest things for us is to look at our own feeling and our own experience and not have to look outside of ourselves or our partner to feel what we feel, to match how we’re feeling. I used to expect him to feel the frustration I was feeling and not also to change it and to fix it, but to allow me to own my emotions. That’s what’s important in any relationship is for me to process my own emotion and not to have to go have him feel what I’m feeling. That’s part of the process. From a woman’s perspective, you need to feel my anger so you’ll understand how I feel but he still will never understand how I feel because it’s me in my own container having my own life experience.
The Council of Light said that our true life partner is not our partner. Our true life partner is our life. The part of us that breathes us, the part of us that is beating our heart, the part of us that is our source or supply of all good things. It is always giving us and making available to us all the stream of energy for abundance, success, perfect health, right relationships, the support, love and everything that we want. That’s always available to us. That’s our true life partner. He is another human being that I get to co-create with and enjoy this journey with. If I get this clean and clear here, then what I can give out here is so much more if I’m not connected here.Our true life partner is not our partner. Our true life partner is our life. Click To Tweet
Abraham Hicks calls our emotions our guidance system. It tells us if we’re moving towards what we want or what we don’t want. The lesson and the takeaway is that, if you are having extreme emotions, if you’re feeling fear, if you’re feeling anger, if you’re feeling frustration, if you’re feeling sadness, loneliness, anything that you’re feeling inside of even your relationship, you have to take a step back and ask yourself, “What do I want?” Instead of focusing on what I don’t want, which is going to continue thought processes that are going to make you feel a certain way because thoughts lead to emotions and emotions lead to the actions that we take and the results that we have. If I’m focused on the thoughts of what I don’t want, if I’m in the space of lack, it is always going to be feeling bad.
It always does. It’s a universal law. If you’re looking at one side of the spectrum, s Polarity, one side is lack, the other side is abundance. Right in the middle is a place of satisfaction. Right in the middle is sufficiency. It’s the Law of Sufficiency and Abundance. Right in the middle is where there’s fulfillment. If you could start putting your energy, your focus, your attention on what do I want? What am I satisfied? What am I satisfied in my relationship? Where am I satisfied in my life? What do I want? What would satisfy me in my life experience in all aspects of my life? Now you’re focusing your attention, your energy and therefore your emotions can also be in a place of satisfaction. That’s one of the processes is look at what’s not working in your life and ask yourself, “What do I want?”
Could we do something where the person could look at because if it is easier for that person to look at what they do not want, write it down and what would be the opposite?
Absolutely, contrast is what you don’t want and the clarity is what you do want. If you’re focused on what you don’t want, you got these emotions coming up. For example, if I feel a whoosh of anger now, it’s not because I’m stuck in the set point of anger. I feel a whoosh of anger because someone said something or did something or a boundary was crossed or I didn’t get what I want. It’s easy to focus on, “I’m not getting what I want, therefore I’m feeling angry.” The next thing instead of staying stuck on the contrast is asking yourself, “What do I want? Why do I want it? How do I want to feel?” Start focusing in that direction because you’ll find that your emotions calm down. You’re able to process your emotions and your point of attraction, your point of focus is going to be knowing what you want, on the things that you’re satisfied, on the positive aspects of your life. That will translate into your relationship as well and then communicate that to your partner.
Once you know for yourself, “I really would prefer not to have drama in my life anymore. I would prefer to not have this person taking care of our kids anymore. I would prefer to not go to Montreal for the entire summer this time. I would prefer to have more time alone with you. I prefer to go on a date. I want to go on a date. I want to have a night out.” Communicate what that is. Your emotions are letting you know. Your emotions are there to inform you that something’s going on with you. If you look at your emotions as a friend, not something you want to push away or suppress or deny or numb out from, which I used to do that. When you allow yourself to feel your emotions, get the information that it’s trying to communicate with you, that your inner being is trying to communicate with you, you get to know yourself. You’re more connected to yourself. When you’re more connected to yourself, to your true life partner, then you can connect with your partner in the journey.
That’s awesome what you’re saying because it leads also for the partner that is receiving that, needing to make the space in order to be receptive. Number one, make sure that the timing is right. When things like that happen, you want to make sure that you are asking, “Is this the right time for me to share something that’s important to you?” so that you’re not interrupting another idea that is happening inside the other partner’s head where they’re not there to receive you at all. These are important moments where timing is of an essence. Therefore once it’s accepted by both parties, the partner is ready to receive you, then what’s important is to listen to what’s being said and just say, “I hear you. I hear what you’re saying.” If you want more as the partner is receiving that then I would say, “Can you be more specific? Why don’t you want her to be the babysitter anymore?” Instead of, “Are you serious?” Those are good ways to come out in order to expand on that conversation together.If you are having extreme emotions in your relationship, take a step back and ask yourself what you want instead of what you don’t. Click To Tweet
We’re going to talk about timing and that is another tool. It’s another aspect. For now, it’s looking at yourself. What do you want? Why do you want it? How do you want to feel? Frederic is absolutely correct. We’ve learned this in our relationship. Timing is everything. When you’re ready to communicate with your partner, coming to him or coming to her and saying, “I have something I want to share with you. Is now a good time?” Then that person could say, “Can you give me five minutes?” or “No, what is it about?” What we used to do is he would just start talking to me about something and I’m like, “I was just about to go to sleep and now you’re talking to me about accounting. It’s not a good time.” I used to go, “I need to talk to you about this.” He thought it meant now. He’s like, “I can’t handle that now.” Now, we just check in before we say, “I need to talk to you about something.” I will come to him and say, “I want to share something with you about the podcast. I want to share something with you about Alex’s parent-teacher conference. Is now a good time?” He’ll say, “No, I’m in the middle of doing this. Can you give me five minutes?” We negotiate on our time and what is the correct time? What is the right time for each person?
My mind is not there, then I won’t understand and I won’t hear her at all.
I won’t feel heard, so I want him to hear me and it’s important. We’ve had conversations in the past where I’m like, “I told you that.” He goes, “You told me that?”
It goes into the empty drawer. Men all have this empty drawer where if we’re doing something else, we don’t want to be bothered by anything else, whether we’re in front of the TV sometimes. There’s this shutting off. Don’t come to us when there is a situation when we’re playing something or watching TV. There’s a disconnect that happens.
We don’t have that. We can multitask, which is not necessarily healthy either.
For us, it goes into the emptiness.
In order for you to feel heard, check in with your partner. Is this a good time to express something I want to share with you? I come to you all the time and say, “I just had a realization. Can I share this with you? Is this a good time?” Sometimes you’ll say, “I’m good or I’m about to eat lunch, can you sit with me?” or “I have to return a phone call first.” Then I know that when we do sit down, I have his full undivided attention. I’m not going into his empty drawer.
It triggers the drawer of the memory once I say, “Yes, I’m ready.”
We would love to know what are you taking away from this episode. We want to know what are you having struggles or challenges in your relationship and that you want some more information. It’s our job on this show to help give you things that have worked in our relationship and to help you get tools and strategies and things to help you move along. I’m so happy to be able to do this with you and that you said yes and I’m very grateful to be here with you.
I’m grateful as well to be able to do this with you in a creative and loving way. It’s brand new for us, for this experience and I’m loving the journey so far and I’m hoping that you are as well.
In our next episode, we will talk about timing. Until then, have an amazing week.
See you soon.