Emotional intelligence is a concept that gained popularity decades ago and is now experiencing a resurgence. But what exactly is emotional intelligence? On today’s show, Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman take a closer look at emotional intelligence and why mastering your emotions and energy is so important in a relationship. At the end of the day, we’re in a relationship with anyone. Tune in to this episode and discover how you can develop emotional intelligence and have a deeper connection with your divine self.
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Below is a transcript of the video and audio above. The paragraphs and sections are alternated between bold / not bold for ease of reading along with the video or audio.
Emotional Intelligence
We are talking about emotional intelligence.
How do you know that your partner has emotional intelligence?
More importantly, how do you know if you do? First of all, what is emotional intelligence? It’s being able to understand and know when you are having some emotion, whether you’re feeling angry or sad. When you’re feeling a whoosh of emotion, knowing what the emotion is and that it’s you that’s having it. More importantly, what is the communication that your emotion is trying to give you?
For example, if suddenly you feel a whoosh of anger, there’s communication there. There’s information there from you to you about someone maybe pushing a boundary. Maybe you felt angry at someone because they said they weren’t going to say something to somebody else and they did. Maybe someone didn’t say or do something, and it’s an opportunity for you to realize you’re not getting what you want.
There’s a boundary that needs to be created by you. Maybe you wanted something and you felt frustrated. Whatever emotion is coming up in you, it’s a visceral feeling that you allow yourself to be in the oneness of, to allow yourself to feel it. When you do, you are able to learn what to do with it.
Emotional Intelligence Is The Ability To Be Connected With Yourself
A lot of times, people don’t have any awareness that they’re feeling anything. It comes out sideways. They don’t know how to master their emotions and energy. It ends up hurting their relationship or other people. You can be aware and say, “I need a moment right now. I’m feeling frustrated by this.”
You’re able to feel your frustration, let go of the energy, and receive what the communication is from you to you. You need to communicate with your partner, for example, “I felt really frustrated about this. I would prefer this next time.” Emotional intelligence is the ability to be connected with yourself. The more self-aware you are of what your emotions are, the more you are as an energy master.
That’s being self-aware of yourself. Too often, people react when you’ve got some anger. You’ll start screaming on the phone or in the middle of the street when you’re in New York.
My assistant, Beth, and I were in New York City. We were hearing this man screaming at the top of his lungs and there are all these people around him. He said, “You said I’d get the card.”
Talk about emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence: When you’re moving about your day and all of a sudden you feel negative or feel worried about something, stop, take some breaths, and process the emotion.
That guy didn’t have much. You don’t do that. It was not proper behavior to scream where there are all these people. Here’s where we had our own emotional intelligence. We could feel the energy coming off him. We clearly could see that he’s angry and we went around him.
That’s part of having good emotional intelligence.
If we would have said something to him like, “What’s your problem?” We would have gotten blasted by this guy. Women, what do we love most? When you’re frustrated, angry, having anxiety, or afraid of something and your partner goes, “Relax.”
“All is going to be good and end up well, just calm down.” That’s not what the woman wants to hear.
That’s not having emotional intelligence in your couple. I go deeper into this in the Quantum Energy Mastery class about emotional intelligence, the steps, and all these different things. We’re here to talk about couples.
When you see your partner having a huge emotion coming up, whether it’s sadness, frustration, or anger, don’t tell them what to do. Don’t give them advice at that moment. That’s not emotional intelligence on your own part to be able to notice what’s going on.
That used to piss me off even more. I know a lot of couples that we’ve heard from where the wife is feeling upset and the husband’s just like, “Relax, calm down.” We don’t want to hear that. It’s like, “You’re upset. Do you need time? What do you need?”
It’s not easy at the moment and to have that emotion coming at us. That’s how I was reacting when I would see Christy in fear or in anger. I was like, “What did I do?” It wasn’t about me. It’s not about the partner. I realized that this is about her. This is something that’s happening inside of her.
This is a trigger that’s being pushed about a behavior that she experienced in her life somewhere that triggers that type of anger or fear. I got into a place of compassion for her and I’m able to understand what’s going on. I can say to her truthfully, “I’m sorry that you’re going through that. I’m sorry that this is happening to you.”
It could be something as simple as, “I hear you. I’m going to give you space right now. What do you need? Do you need space? Do you need a hug?” If I’m upset about something and I’m crying, he won’t just come and try to hug me and rescue me. He’ll say, “Do you want a hug?” Sometimes, I’ll say, “No, I need my own space right now.” Other times, I’ll come and say, “I need a hug.”
Emotional Intelligence: People that have emotional intelligence are more effective at work. They make more money, are more successful, and have more lasting and supportive relationships.
It’s not personal. We are there as a support.
Emotional Intelligence Is Something You Develop
This whole topic of emotional intelligence is important to understand within yourself. When you have your emotions, what support do you need? Do you need a coach to help you? Do you need to get some healing done? Do you need to have some different processes and tools to help you process your emotions?
Gather what you can when you are not afraid and not suppressing your emotions. You’re having more of a present moment awareness with yourself and willing to take the time with yourself when something happens, when contrast appears.
When you’re moving about your day and all of a sudden you feel negative or feel worried about something, to be able to stop, take some breaths, and process the emotion. Do what you need to do to then take the next step to ensure that you are moving in a different direction or choosing something different. You’re not creating the same situation over and over again.
You’re not creating drama around it where you’re saying, “You don’t know how I feel.” You’re right. We’ll never know how you’re feeling. We’re not inside of you, so we can’t understand. We’re not you, you’re yourself. That’s putting drama into your life.
We have a program called From Drama to Love that explains the concept of being in the drama triangle, coming out of it and recognizing those patterns and behaviors. There are easy steps to follow and ways of communicating with each other that will help any couple get out of the drama triangle.
We’re in a relationship with anyone. What’s important is that we understand and are able to manage and master our own energy, know where our energy edges are, especially when it comes to our emotions. Be able to be present with ourselves and be able to have that self-awareness.
That is the whole process of being able to be in emotional intelligence. It’s something you develop. It’s not something that every person naturally has. We have to develop that. When you do, you are so much more in alignment, using your own free will and can do a deeper connection with your divine self.
There have been studies. People that have emotional intelligence are more effective at work. They make more money, are more successful, and have more lasting and supportive relationships. It’s a piece that’s important.
If you want to even learn more about emotional intelligence, you can go to QuantumEnergyMastery.com. Like Frederic was saying, understand the ins and outs of the drama triangle and go from drama to love. Move out of the drama triangle and into the circle of love. You can go to BreakingFreeFromDrama/love, which is a free seven-day series that you can take advantage of, or you can go directly to From Drama to Love.
Thank you so much for being here. We appreciate your feedback and the comments that this information has been helping you. If you want to go deeper and further with us, you know how to reach out to us. You can always go to ChristyWhitman.com as well. Thank you.
A lot of people struggle with being accountable and responsible for their personal happiness and often resort to blaming others for their struggles. This can be said in every aspect of life, including intimate relationships, and this has a significant impact with how happy you can be as an individual and as a partner. In this episode, Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman discuss the symptoms of being in the drama triangle and the steps you need to take to get out and into the circle of love. They also talk deeply about why you need to be responsible for your own happiness in order to stay connected as a couple.
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Watch the episode here:
Listen to the podcast here:
Below is a transcript of the video and audio above. The paragraphs and sections are alternated between bold / not bold for ease of reading along with the video or audio.
You Need To Change In Order For Me To Be Happy
We are going to be talking about what are the misperceptions in most couples that if you would do something different, if you would make more money, I’d feel secure. If you would take better care of the kids, then I would be happy. Do the list on the honey-do list. There’s always a condition. We’re putting our own happiness, our own emotions in the hands of somebody else that can’t do anything about our emotions.
When I used to come from that place that if you would do something, no matter how many dishes he did, I still wasn’t satisfied. I remember this one time when the kids were young, Alex must have been three years old. I got all that dolled up for dinner with him. I came out of the bathroom and I didn’t take the time to connect with myself and connect with my own beauty or fill myself up.
I went to him and he goes, “You look nice.” I was like, “Nice?” He goes, “What do you want me to do, be flamboyant?” He goes, “You look fabulous.” I was like, “That’d be nice.” Nothing he was going to do or his reaction was going to be enough for me. The funny part is, our little three-year-old son comes up running in the house in our bedroom and he goes, “I like that.”
She got the reaction that she wanted.
My Feelings Are Not A We
If it wasn’t from him, I’d get it from someone else. Honestly, I wasn’t in that place to fill myself. If I get ready, I’m not looking and needing it. I’m not hungry for him to compliment me or to tell me I’m beautiful or to tell me whatever because I know it myself. I feel good within myself. I’m responsible for my own thoughts and feelings.
My feelings are not a we. There are things in our relationship that are we, that are us, but our feelings, our own individual consciousness is not one of those things. Whenever we’re looking at our partners to say, “You need to change in order for me to feel this way.” It’s a clear sign that we’re in the drama triangle because we’re a victim. We want him to rescue.
It doesn’t mean that we can’t talk to each other like, “Let’s not talk to each other. You’re fine. You should do your work so that you could be happy and I’ll do my work at my side and I’ll be happy.” That’s not the case. It’s learning to talk to each other, but without having to rescue the other one, without having to say things that the other one might want to hear, but you could stay yourself in that situation.
She was asking me and I was honest with her. She looked beautiful and nice. That’s what I said. It wasn’t an off the chart reaction that she would have liked to have. It was me, Frederic, being myself, being this calm and aligned.
You were a tempered down version of yourself. It was like, “You look fine.” Now, you’re like, “Baby, you’re beautiful.” You come out more because there are more of you that are available to come out. Also, I don’t need that anymore and that’s the whole point. If we’re looking towards our partner to fulfill, we need him or her to be that support because we feel empty.
We don’t feel supported and aligned with our own life partner, our divine self. When we know that this is our ultimate support, this is our ultimate stream of love. This is our connection and our source of abundance, prosperity, joy, whatever it is, then we have an energy-filled up within ourselves and then we can give and then also receive.
Most of us look towards our partner to be our provider, to be our source, to be our protector. We look for that partner to be all. We talked about that in another episode. That it’s not your partner, that is your all. It’s your divine self.
I brought up being the wall inside. It’s true because I had that wall inside of me, where I had some stuck emotions that I couldn’t reach inside and feel what I needed to feel, whether it was anger, some deep love inside. I couldn’t feel those emotions because I had that wall inside. When I started doing my own growth, what happened is I could see more of what was inside. I was able to put that wall out, blow up the wall and see what was inside of me and not going to ask her how I was feeling.
You don’t expect me to know how you were feeling.
I can come from the place of, “This is how I’m feeling,” and it’s okay to say that. It’s okay to translate that and share it with my partner. It’s a learning of my behaviors of how I’m reacting to certain situations and then communicate it.
Happy Responsible Relationship: Whenever you’re looking at our partners to say, “You need to change in order for me to feel this way,” you’re in the drama triangle.
Here’s the fallacy. When people get married, it’s like, “It’s now our life. We’re now one.” No, we’re not. I’m my own breathing separate self. When I took a breath, he did not take a breath. We’re not breathing for one.
I’m connected to my life force. The divine that’s beating my heart, my soul and he’s got his. We get to connect and share together and be in a relationship and have this energy exchange. We may have, it’s our house that we live in. It’s our bed that we share, our kids, dog, and our life. However, you want to say it’s our vacation we’re going to go, our mortgage, our car or whatever.
You Can Choose To Be Happy
What is not ours is how I think. I’m not responsible for how he thinks. I’m not responsible for how he feels and he’s not responsible for how I feel. When I say you need to change in order for me to be happy, that’s his responsibility. I can choose to be happy.
If he’s still doing his thing, then you’re not happy. Who is ultimately in charge or responsible for your own happiness? You can still be happy and then request. I can still find fulfillment and happiness and still say, “I prefer that the dishes be out of the sink,” but it doesn’t mean that it used to in the day that, “When he leaves dishes in the sink it’s disrespectful. He doesn’t love me.”
It pisses me off. I’m upset. He’s doing that to annoy me. There’s no meaning into it.
I can still be connected to my happiness even if the dishes haven’t been done. I can then say to him because there are times when he cooks the dinner and then rushes the kids off to soccer. He goes to the bathroom and does whatever and the dishes are there and it hasn’t been cleaned up.
I’ll come out teaching and he’s like, “I got the dishes,” or I’ll say, “What’s this?” He’s like, “I’m on it.” It’s not like, “You need to do this. I can’t be happy.” Unless you behave a certain way, unless you think a certain way, unless you fill me up a certain way, then I can be happy. That’s one of the things that we have to understand.
When we’re doing that, we have that expectation in the drama triangle. In order to get out of that, we have to be able to understand that we are the ones responsible for our own feelings. Somebody else cannot rescue us. When we’re assigning our emotions outside of ourselves because of that person, then we’re making somebody else the persecutor and we’re the victim. The way out of the drama triangle is choices.
Another important thing is we’re giving our power away. You want to be aligned with yourself. You want to have your own power in order to say things in a mature, in an adult way so that it doesn’t come out like a child crying and whining. Adults are not allowed to whine.
When you hear yourself say, “If he would do this, then I would.” We’ve got to stop that language and ask yourself, what do I want? Why do I want it? How do I want to feel? What do I need to do to put myself in that feeling place?
Ultimately, I’m the one that’s in charge of my own. I’m the one that’s in charge of my consciousness. My partner is not responsible for my thoughts. They’re not responsible for my feelings. They’re not responsible for my actions and my behaviors.
They’re not responsible for my breath. They’re not responsible for my life. When we can let our partners off the hook and it gets to be someone that we engage with, play with, share things with, dream with and envision with, life becomes different for couples. It becomes conscious. It becomes connected.
Go to FromDramaToLove.com if you want to learn more about how to get out of the drama triangle and into the circle of love. Next episode, we will be talking about emotional intelligence, which is on the heels of what we’re talking about. Know that if you don’t do it, I’m not going to be happy.
If you don’t change your story, she’s not going to be happy. Start changing your story and stop telling the same old story.
Happy Responsible Relationship: Be responsible for your own happiness. You can still be happy and then request something from your partner.
It can be difficult for some people to open up to their own partners, let alone someone whom they’re not intimate with. However, there are times when it’s necessary as a couple to work with somebody else in order to straighten things out and save the relationship. Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman discuss the differences between couples work, couples therapy, and couples coaching to help you asses and determine what you need most. They share a defining moment in their life where the help of a third party changed everything for them as a couple and as a family, for the better.
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Watch the episode here:
Listen to the podcast here:
Below is a transcript of the video and audio above. The paragraphs and sections are alternated between bold / not bold for ease of reading along with the video or audio.
Resistance To Doing Couples Work
We are counting down to our third. This is our third last and final Conscious Connected Coupling episode. We’ve provided lots and lots of great information. If you’ve missed any of the episodes, I definitely urge you to go back and read them. If you’re looking to have more empowerment from us and learn more about this information to go deeper, there are a couple of options for you.
You can go to FromDramaToLove.com. You can go to BreakingFreeFromDrama.com/love. It’s a free seven video series on how to get out of the drama. It goes into From Drama To Love. We have a couple’s retreats. We’re still doing our couple’s work but the blog, we’ve done what we could do here. There’s a lot more that we could do.
We’re still doing our own couples’ work. We’ve got to come up with a new series from the couple’s work that we do.
Here’s the thing and that’s what this episode is about. There’s always one in a couple that might have resistance to doing couples work. One might be willing to do it where the other one’s like, “No way.” We wanted to address some of those objections that the one in the couple might be saying, “No, it’s too this, or I can’t do that.” To understand what couples coaching is because it’s not therapy.
Couples Work Is Not Necessarily Therapy
When we say couples work, it’s as we said. It’s not necessarily therapy. It’s more someone that is a third party that offers an outside perspective about questions that you would have inside your couple. We all come up with certain questions inside our couple. There are always certain situations.
Sometimes, it’s the same situation that we butt up against and that’s what happened with Christy and me earlier on in our relationship. There were a few situations that we used to butt up against. Those situations would come up more often than others. Because of that, I started asking myself some questions. I started wondering, “What do I need to do in my relationship so that it continues, it flourishes?”
We have the relationship that I wanted to have in my life, not a relationship that I had seen necessarily with my father and my mother having a divorce after their marriage. Those were the patterns that I had within me that I needed to understand.
How I was able to understand these patterns that I was bringing into my own relationship with Christy was by having some third party help distinguish this and illuminate it and tell me about these behaviors, these patterns. Even to the point where there are things that I was communicating, speaking that was leading to these ways of creating these patterns.
I heard something on the radio and I shared it with Frederic and it made me laugh, but it’s so true. There was a DJ talking on one of the radio stations. He was saying that a lot of men will complain when their wives are nagging at them because they’re complaining. They’re like, “You do this. I want you to do that. I want you to go to couples coaching with me. I want to go to therapy.”
He said, “It’s when the nagging stops that you need to worry because then you’re headed to divorce.” It’s so true because the woman asks. Usually, it’s the woman that is like, “I want to go to therapy. This isn’t working for me.” I can speak for, at least in our relationship, this isn’t working for me. I didn’t sign up for this.
We kept butting our heads on the same thing that it felt like a nag because it turns into, “I’m not heard.” It gets elevated and then it gets more in complaining or the woman doesn’t know how to necessarily skillfully ask in a way that’s clear but it is true. He couldn’t hear that.
I was stuck in my own reasons why I didn’t want to do couples work. My main reason is I didn’t want to show anybody the intimacy. That this intimate world of my couple was only for her and me.
He used to think someone would seep in there.
Why should I share this stuff? A lot of us think like that. This is our sacred space. Why should someone know what’s going on and be aware of what’s going on inside of our own space, our own nucleus? Lo and behold, now that I know that there are some insights again that are there for me to understand what’s going on inside our relationship, now I understand that it is worth the effort to make the work that is my inner work also.
It’s partly mine to do because we come together as one individual inside the relationship. Each individual has their things and that’s what it’s all about. It’s figuring out inside our inner work is where we’re coming from. Why we are acting or doing certain things or behaving in certain ways and speaking certain ways that we are bringing into the relationship.
We don’t realize it because it is the Law of Attraction that we do attract and we are attracted to each other even by our buttons. We found along our way with doing our own journey of going inward and connecting with each other that he was in a total place of fear and projecting fear that he’s going to get married and he’s going to get a divorce because that’s what was modeled for him.
I was coming from a place of I’m going to run the first minute there’s any trouble because I don’t want to stay stuck in something that I don’t want. Our patterns would bump up against each other and that’s what brought us together. We both had to release that.
I shared this on the show at some point where I came to him and I said, “I realized that you’ll never be able to win.” In my training as a woman and watching all the women before me, except for my grandmother, the men were never enough. They never did enough. They never made enough. They never supported enough. It was just never enough.
I was looking at him through the eyes of, “You’re not enough, you’re not rescuing me, you’re not helping me and you’re not whatever.” He was having the exact same matching patterns because his mom, like the women in my family had, that men are not enough. They don’t make enough and do enough. They don’t take me out enough.
He was programmed that men are not enough. Who and what is he? He’s the man and he’s not going to ever be enough. I had the pattern of you’re not enough. He agreed with his pattern saying, “I’m never going to be enough.”
We Don’t Need To Come From Our Roles
When we release those patterns, I can now appreciate him not as a man or husband, but as Frederic and appreciate all that he brings into the couple. He doesn’t have to feel like he’s not enough anymore. I’m not also feeding that constant disappointment, frustration and anger coming at him that’s going, “My mom was right. It’s true that I’m not enough.” That couple’s work changed everything for us.
It made us realize that we don’t need to come from our roles. The roles of being a father and a husband are different from coming from Frederic, from who I am as a person and what I like. Now, I can start sharing with her what I do prefer as Frederic. What I like and what I want in my life.
As both of us grow older, all these things change. These requests, these ways of being, they all change. As I grow, then there’s a different way to connect to each other. There’s a different way to be intimate with each other. That is the growth that belongs in couples’ work together. Being intimate together is learning what he or she likes and how to coordinate life together like that.
Let’s talk about the objections.
A lot of objections that I had earlier on was I don’t want to have a third person into my relationship. How can we have a broader perspective of our relationship when we’re in it? When we’re in it, we only have tunnel vision instead of having a broader vision of total vision of what’s in it in our life. Another reason is money. “Why would I invest and pay someone to work with us? It’s too much money.”
He used to say that too, “You’re paying her again? Why do we have to pay for that?” That investment that we made and the time because there’s a time investment. There’s a courage investment because you have to have the courage to be able to willingly look at yourself. There’s that and then the money. It’s a resource but it’s the best investment we could have made not only for our kids and their well-being for each other. We wouldn’t be together if we wouldn’t have gone through it.
Couples Work: When you release those negative patterns, you’ll be able to appreciate your partner not as a man or husband, but as an individual and appreciate all that he brings into the couple.
For the health of our family because we have kids and we do have a family that is around our couple. Our kids are affected by our energy. The nucleus, as I call it in our family, is us. It’s Christy and me. I believe that for the sake of the health of our kids, we owe it to them in order for us to be aligned in our own power. It’s important to do the work as well.
One thing I will say with our kids is even when we were driving them to school, we’re flirting and talking about flirty stuff and they’re like, “Oh God.” I always tell them, “Wouldn’t you much prefer to see us sharing how much we love and appreciate each other and flirting and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other than arguing, separated or not even looking at each other?” They prefer that.
Our kids are growing up with that or it’s like, “Could you stop touching him? Would you stop talking about sex?” They’ll have their own issues that they’ll have to do their own therapy when they’re older but it’s a good issue, “My parents couldn’t keep their hands off each other.” It’s a better issue than, “My parents couldn’t stand the sight of each other.”
What Do You Want In Your Relationship?
“My parents hate each other.” That’s the thing. Once you don’t necessarily understand your partner, how they grow into something then you can’t relate to them. Don’t you want to relate to your partner and have an awesome time together? Always have fun adventures together and continuing on the path of joy together.
That’s what I want in my relationship. I know that now. It leads me to another reason, “My relationship is fine the way it is.” That’s looking at your relationship now. How about tomorrow? How about in the future? What do you want in your relationship?
What’s the vision?
That’s what we do every year.
We did it. We were sitting down talking and we were talking about our vision.
We look at the future of our relationship. Where do we want to stay? What house do we want to live in?
What vacations do we want to go on? How do we want to invest our money in? All of it.
That’s the fun part now for us. It’s not, “I need to talk to you about what we want to do in the future.” “No, I don’t want to do that.” We’re both happy to look at what the future looks like together. That’s part of the reasons that a couple’s work is something important to me.
It’s very different from therapy. A lot of people are like, “I don’t want to sit around and talk about my feelings all day.” That’s not what a couple’s work is. That’s therapy. Couples coaching is very different. It’s focusing on where do you want to go? What do you want to do? How do you want to feel? What do you need to let go of and let’s move in that direction? It’s a future visioning. It’s being able to manage your own energy, connecting with your divine self now, at this moment.
When you do that then you start healing the past. It’s not advice-giving and that’s one of the other things too is that people think, “Who’s someone else to give me advice?” Therapists will give you advice. Psychologists will give you advice. Well-trained coaches like I train within the Quantum Success Coaching Academy or I have been trained, I don’t give advice, we don’t give advice.
We ask questions so that you are having a time dedicated to your couple and then you can ask yourself and your partner, “How do we feel about this certain thing? What do we want?” If you’re going to go on a vacation, where are you going to go?
Peel Off The Layers And Start Discovering
You come up with the answers. You come up with the options. You come up with the things that are opening up to you as you discover. As you peel off the onion, the layers of who you are as a couple and what’s inside yourself then you start discovering, “This is what I like and this is what she likes. This is something that we can do together.”
It’s a self-discovery first and then it’s pinging back and forth.
It’s therapy versus coaching. Coaching is not something that we want to make you feel that you’re right or you’re wrong. It’s really discovering what’s going on inside of you and answering some questions because we all come up with questions week-by-week, day-by-day. We have questions.
You could sit down together and that’s what we do sometimes. We’re like, “What happened with that situation? Let’s talk about it.” When you’re leading to that, it is awesome to have inside your couple.
Remember, when she stops nagging and that’s when the trouble begins.
You don’t nag anymore. That’s awesome.
No nagging.
Don’t you want no nagging from your woman?
With that being said, we’re not here to sell anybody on coaching but we’re here to really show what the options are and why it is so different from therapy because a lot of people will be like, “No,” but they just don’t have all the information. When you don’t have all the information, when you don’t know what it’s like, when you haven’t done it before, it could be a little scary.
I’m grateful whether you choose it for yourself or not, that’s totally up to you. We all have free will but it changed our relationships. It made us stronger. It made me stronger to learn my place within myself about the drama triangle and how to get out of that and into the circle of love.
How to be empowered to know that I’m a free-willed individual and I can choose my thoughts. I choose my consciousness and him too. It improved our relationship, our family lives and us as a parent. We offer From Drama To Love.
We have our whole program. You can go to FromDramaToLove.com and its 30 days of all the concepts, all the behaviors and all the perspectives that keep us stuck in the drama triangle that all of us learned.
Couples Work: Couples that can’t keep their hands off each other is a better issue than not being able to stand the sight of each other.
They’re easy concepts to understand, to learn about and to apply in your life. That’s what we want. We’ve applied these concepts in our lives. We found that it changed our relationship. These concepts will work in your relationship as well. That is what we want to share with you.
Check it out. If you need further support, we still have our Costa Rica beautiful VIP, only ten couples going on vacation, five-star private plane, picking you up from San Jose Airport. It’s the only us in this beautiful place, waterfalls and private beach.
If you are wanting more of that, more time together, more healing work in that capacity, you can email Beth@ChristyWhitman.com about that. Our second to the last episode is all about you need to change in order for me to be happy.
How do I have to be for her to be happy? We’ll find that out in the next episode.
As parents, there’s always the temptation to give in to every single one of your child’s whims, no matter how out of the way they may be, because you believe that’s what they deserve of you. But empowering your children isn’t just responding affirmatively to their every beck and call; there have to be boundaries somewhere. Christy Whitman and Frederic Gobeil bring up the subject of empowerment as it relates to children, and how you, as a parent, respond to their wants. Because of the way some parents give in to their children, these same children forget that their choices – and the consequences of said choices – matter. Make sure your child grows up with empowered decision-making skills!
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Below is a transcript of the video and audio above. The paragraphs and sections are alternated between bold / not bold for ease of reading along with the video or audio.
Conscious Parenting: Empower Your Children
We want to let you know that we are counting down four more episodes to the completion of this show because we started this show has a lot to say, a lot of information. We know you can’t get any information anywhere. You can get information on the drama triangle, but not as it relates to universal laws, working together as two married couples that are going through it.
The time has come to give out our information on a program that we created called From Drama to Love. You could go to FromDramaToLove.com and learn more about it. That will help you dive deeper into it. We’ve had a lot of great conversations and things that people don’t talk about. We’re going to spend the next four episodes doing that and it’s going to be a wrap.
These episodes will be available so you can review them. If you want to go deeper with Frederic and I and our work, we have this 30-day program. It’s a video program. It’s either myself, Frederic, or the both of us that are giving ways of understanding how you’re in the drama triangle, chaos, struggle, separation with your partner and how you move into the circle of love.
It combines everything that we’ve talked about here and more in a short little video program. We also offer our coaching programs and our couples retreat. We have an amazing VIP five-star couples retreat in Costa Rica in 2021 or Valentine’s day week. It’s exciting.
We are wrapping up these last four episodes. This episode is all about how to be a conscious parent and how to empower your children. This is a fun conversation because this is what we do as parents are that we’re here to teach our parents and parent if we were the universe. We want to parent our kids like we’re the universe. There’s always a cause and effect.
A lot of times I’ll see parents that get so resourceless. The kids throw in a tantrum or something and the parent to shut the kid up or to calm the kid down because the parent doesn’t know what to do. They give the kid a toy, candy or whatever the kid is wanting. That’s the worst thing we can do as parents because we’re rewarding a child for bad behavior. We’re giving a reward for something that needs to have a consequence instead of a reward.
How much do we want to let go of how we want to empower our children? Sometimes we do need to let go at certain points and we need to have them make their own choices. Yet again, they are children. We are parents. We, as parents, want to make sure that they do make the right choices. We protect them. We keep them into their energy of light, of how they are. Sometimes as parents, we wrap them up in a bubble a little too much. How much do we need to let go of that?
The other thing is as our small kids, we have to be in a rescue mode with them because we don’t know. Why are they crying? Are they hungry? Do they need their diaper changed? Are they tired? What are they needing? We have to guess. As they get older and are able to start communicating, we tend to do the same thing. We try to anticipate every need that they have and make things better for them.
Life is Based On Cause And Effect
At some point around 6, 7, 8-years-old, they have to start learning. Even before that, we were doing that with our kids. They have to start understanding that the behavior or the mood that they’re in doesn’t warrant some reward. That life is based on cause and effect.
There are rewards and consequences to be able to praise your kids and give them positive feedback and rewards. We’re not into a punishing, but there is a consequence. If you do something that’s not appropriate, you lose this time or you don’t get this or you don’t get the whatever the reward is. It’s important that we don’t rescue our kids. I have an example, Alex is now ten. It was to the point that he gets absent-minded in the mornings.
Empowering Your Children: As parents, you want to make sure your kids make the right choices.
On Fridays, they’re supposed to turn in their reading log. They read twenty minutes a day and we make sure that they do their homework. They write it down and Alex consistently was forgetting it on Fridays and so the teacher was still giving him full credit if he turned it in on the Mondays.
She let him know, “It’s not okay all the other kids are turning in their reading logs. You’re only going to get half the credit.” Alex gets straight-As. He’s studious. He likes the fact that he gets straight A’s. Now he is getting a B in language arts because he’s only getting half the credit for his reading log.
We sat down with him and said, “How can we set you up for success?” It’s not like, “We’re going to do this. We’re going to rescue.” We came to him, “What do you need? What can we do to help you and set you up for success and support you so that you remember your reading logs so you can turn it in on Fridays?”
We’ve tried talking to him also and giving him reminders that he needs to give his reading log in and that didn’t work.
It’s like this, “Alex, here’s your reading log. Make sure you bring your reading log.” He takes it. He looks at Jack. He puts it down, plays with a dog, walks out of the house. Unless I shoved it up to his butt, I’m like, “What could we do to set you up for success?” He said, “Put a sign on the door that tells me what I need every day and I’ll look at it and I’m reminded.”
We’re like a water bottle, lunch, the winter jacket and on Friday, his reading log. I typed this sign. There’s a sign on the door as he’s walking out into the garage that worked for about a week or two maybe and he started forgetting his reading log again.
He tells his father that it’s because the sign is not big enough. I bought one of those huge big pink neon signs. It says, “Remember your reading log.” I put it right by the door and he laughed. He remembered his reading log. When he’s completed, he might read 40 minutes on a Monday or Tuesday. He’s completed with his reading log by Wednesday. He’ll bring it earlier in the week to turn it in earlier.
He does not forget it because now he sees that his consequence was he got a B in that class rather than an A when he did the work. By empowering our kids to show them that they have choices. They have to take responsibility for what it is that they want in their lives. We’re able to help them with that.
The good thing is that the consequence doesn’t come from us as the parent. Often, we’ll hear parents give the child a consequence because he’s not listening or he’s not doing something.
That’s necessary sometimes.
Empowering Your Children: By empowering your kids, you show them that there are consequences that don’t come from you.
It is yes, but not necessarily always. In this particular case, it’s more like he got a consequence from the school. He understands that if there’s something that he’s not doing properly, then he’ll have that consequence from someone else. Their world used to revolve around mommy and daddy, but now the world is expanding for them. It’s more than mommy and daddy. That’s what I want to get into is that there’s a consequence of what affects their outside reality.
I remembered a few years ago, we went to Target and I was with the boys. I said, “Valentine’s Day is coming up.” It was a Sunday. We were at the store and I said, “Do you guys want to get Valentine’s little cards, gifts, candies or whatever?” Alex said, “Yes.” Maxim is like, “No, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to participate.”
He doesn’t want to participate in stuff like that. That’s his choice. Alex is like, “Yeah, I do, but I don’t want to get it now.” I said, “It’s either now or you have to let me know by tomorrow, which is Monday because I’m not waiting until the last minute.”
I said, “It’s either pick it now.” He goes, “I don’t want to pick it now.” I go, “Remember that you have tomorrow. I’ll go to the store tomorrow, but that’s it.” I told him on Monday, the next day, “Did you figure out what you want to give the kids for Valentine’s gifts?” He goes, “No, I have to think about it a little bit more.”
I said, “If you don’t pick it now and I don’t go to the grocery store now, you are not giving the Valentines.” He goes, “Okay, mom, I’ll let you know.” I let it go. I woke him up on Thursday morning on Valentine’s Day at [6:00] and he wakes up. He goes, “It’s Valentine’s Day. You’ve got to go, run to the store and get me the candies.”
I looked at him and I said, “I’d have to do what now? No, I told you Sunday and I told you Monday. This is your opportunity. If you want me to buy you something for the kids at school for your Valentine’s Day, that’s it. You’re expecting me now to run out, before school, which nothing is open and inconvenience myself. If you want to give Valentine’s Day stuff, you’re going to have to figure out a solution for yourself.”
I went downstairs. I got ready and did what we needed to do. He came up. He created cards that he made for every kid in his class because he felt it was important. He did it right before school. It was like I wasn’t the rescuer. I was empowering him, “Here are your choices.” Had I went, “Okay,” and ran out to the school, which, how many parents would do that? Go before school and have it be drama and chaos.
All frustrated, panicking, upset and screaming. I’m basically having a conflict now with him and ending up in a fight. Instead, it’s figuring out, so not letting the buttons being pushed from him because these are things that our children do.
They’ll come over and they’ll push our buttons, the lists of things that patterns in us that is inside of us. All of a sudden, these come out and they come out in sideways. They come out in frustration, a heightened level of emotion, a discharge of yelling or something. You were calm. You’re not going to rescue him that he had to figure out something on his own.
Don’t Try To Be The Perfect Parent
Here’s the thing, if that had been years ago, I hadn’t done my own work and I wanted to be the perfect mom that I could possibly be. I want to be the best mom I can be, but I don’t try to be perfect anymore because I’m not perfect. If that was the old me and I didn’t have this information, I would have run out to the store.
Empowering Your Children: How you grew up with your parents is how you learn to understand God or the universe.
I know many moms would have done that, felt resentful, pissed off and the whole thing. That’s where it was like I set up a boundary and said, “Sorry, I told you. I gave you many mornings, now what are you going to do?” That’s how we have to empower our kids is they have to say as we did with the reading log.
This is your grade. This is your work. You need to get credit for doing your work. We’re willing to help you. Let us set you up for success. If there’s something you need help with or we need to do for you, what would that be for you? He’s the one that came up with the sign. He’s the one that says not a big enough sign.
These are things that we have to be able to encourage our kids and show them that life is consequences. It’s the Law of Attraction. What you give out comes back. If you were being in a bad mood and being negative, it’s no wonder that happened or at the soccer game, no wonder you lost your game. It’s showing them that it’s the Law of Attraction.
It’s a cause and effect. It’s rewards and consequences. They need to learn that early because I can’t tell you how many adults I coach that they got their training as we all have from mom and dad. What most people don’t realize is that what we do with mom and dad as people that take care of us is we extend that into our understanding of what God is or what the universe is.
People get into this victim mentality because it was learned that for them. They get into a victim role with the universe, which none of us is a victim. That’s one of the things that we talk about in From Drama to Love that we have to get out of that role and to think of being a victim because we are empowered people and we have many choices. When you empower your kids, it’s like we get empowered as an adult.
It’s all based on what our options are because there are always options, what our choices are and choose what feels best for you because that’s how to empower your kids. We have to remember that as parents, we’re the adult and that if we’re coming from our eight-year-old to an eight-year-old, there are going to be power struggles.
One of our mentors would tell us that your adulthood is a time for you to grow up your child. Sometimes I see it with Frederic and Alex because Alex is ten, I could see it. It’s this power struggle between two ten-year-olds. When he remembers, I’m the adult and it gets into his man, there’s no question about it’s not a power overpower under, but it’s like he’s the adult. It’s his house. He makes the rules. He’s the child.
It’s having awareness. I’m now having the awareness and I’m aligned with my own power as a man, as an adult. I don’t need to have a talk with Alex and start arguing with him because he’s a child. He wants to understand why this is happening. All of the questions that a child has, sometimes it’s answering a couple of them and it’s enough.
As a child, sometimes Alex will push the boundaries. That’s normal. As an adult, it’s up to us to say, “I’ve told you that and it’s enough. Let’s move on to something else.” That’s where the adult comes in play and knowing when to stop, when to not have listened to the inner adult take control of the situation and not the child.
To wrap this up, to empower your kids and have them understand that this is a cause and effect universe, what you give out comes back. We’re either repelling things from us or attracting things to us. In their language, it’s either there’s a reward or there’s a consequence. When they understand that because they have to be responsible for the energy, their attitude, their thoughts.
For me, we’ve been talking to our kids before they can even understand, before they can talk because at what point do you then teach the kids? There’s got to be a point at which you teach them. There’s no better time than whatever age they are to start talking to them about that. Their thoughts create their reality. If they are misbehaving, don’t give them rewards for that.
Find out for yourself if you’re frustrated as a parent and you feel resourceless, there are many options for you too. There are many different coaches that have gone through the QSCA, the Quantum Success Coaching Academy, that do parenting coaching. You can reach out to Tabitha@ChristyWhitman.com if you need that extra resource and support.
If you yourself as a parent need that support, if you’re having your own buttons pushed, that’s what myself and the Council of Light do is that we help release and shrink those buttons so that you’re coming from an adult, you’re coming from an empowered, aligned place within yourself.
If you’re having issues in your couple, that’s what Frederic and I go as far as helping the couples. There are couples retreats and suggestions for anybody because this is an amazing piece of work is From Drama to Love. You can go FromDramaToLove.com to learn more information.
If there are buttons, you’ve got to remember the buttons are inside of you. You can’t parent from the buttons because you’re teaching your kids to have the buttons. The other thing is to remember you’re the adult. The next episode will be our third to the last. We are talking about all the objections to doing couples work. Why one person in the couple wants to do it and why the other one won’t or don’t. Come back next episode as we wrap up our Conscious Connected Coupling.
Relationships last longer when both parties want, need, and support each other. There are bumps along the way but may be prevented or mended with the right moments and right emotions. Keeping the fire burning among couples is mandatory for their union to last longer. As Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman talk about how to keep relationships exciting, they always emphasize on having a mindful relationship with love manifesting. If you want to have a lasting relationship with your partner, make sure to take note of Frederic and Christy’s top ten things that ignite your couple’s flame.
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Below is a transcript of the video and audio above. The paragraphs and sections are alternated between bold / not bold for ease of reading along with the video or audio.
Conscious Coupling – How To Keep Your Relationship Exciting: Mindful Relationships and Love Manifestation
We are going to talk about how to spice it up in your relationship. How to have your relationship be exciting? How to have a mindful relationship and be able to have love manifesting all the time?
We’ll give you some wonderful things, suggestions that you can take home with you and apply to have a great, lasting and loving relationship.
Give And Receive Love Through The Eyes
We’re going to do the top ten things that you could do. The first one is, and this is something that we suggest that you do at least once a day. It doesn’t take a long time to do. It’s something that takes a few seconds, but it makes a huge difference. You look at your partner in the eyes, soul to soul, the windows of the soul. Look deeply into their eyes and allow yourself to feel and to receive. Allow yourself to give and receive love through your eyes.
It’s amazing how intimate you can be with saying no words and doing nothing by being in each other’s eyes, looking into each other’s eyes. A lot of times when you think about it, couples may not even look at each other. They go on about their days. They get up and they run into the day. They’re not even taking that time to be mindful. Love, in order to grow, you have to have that mindful presence.
When you are feeling uncomfortable looking into each other’s eyes, you might have some uncomfortableness about intimacy. That’s something to look at in yourself and why you’re not feeling that you’re wanting to give and receive love from your partner. These are good clues that if you go to do this little exercise that takes seconds to do, what are you resisting? What are you persisting with that?
It’s important when you’re communicating with each other. In the morning when you’re getting ready to go to work, everything is a little bit stressful and it needs to be done quickly. Especially if we have kids that need to get themselves ready, we need to drive them to school. Often, it’s a quick hello, a goodbye kiss, and we’re off to work.
Lasting Relationship: It’s amazing how intimate you can be with saying no words and doing nothing by being in each other’s eyes.
We’re off to doing our chores for the day. I feel that it’s important to communicate when you are talking to each other. Have eye contact once in a while so that there is this connection among both people in the couple.
Number two is to show affection, hug, kiss, and stroke their arm. Do something to show some form of affection-giving. When you do it, it’s not a quick hug. When you’re doing it, when you’re hugging, feel your partner. Allow yourself to be felt in that space of love. Allow yourself to be present. Both of you take a couple of moments.
I remember one time when I was at a transformational leadership council meeting and Dave Asprey from Bulletproof and I was hugging each other. Dr. John Gray, the Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus guy, he’s an incredible human being. He saw us hug and he goes, “That’s not a hug.” We looked at each other and thought, “That felt like a nice hug.”
He had us hug each other and take a breath with each other and then release. He goes, “If you do it more than that, especially if you’re just friends, it’s a little weird.” It could be awkward, but it’s true that if you hug someone and take a breath with them, there’s a connection that happens with two human beings that resonate with each other.
With your partner, hug them and take a breath in their arms together. It quiets you down as you take a breath. That is such a mindfulness thing to do to bring you back into the here and the now, which is where all of our power exists. When you do that with your partner, there’s a synchronicity that happens. That is the second point that we wanted to make.
Make that hug a heart to heart hug. Not a hand or arm-level hug. It’s nice to have that heart to heart. For me, I like feeling the heartbeat of my partner, Christy. She also feels my heartbeat when I hug her. Sometimes she’ll tell me, “I feel your heartbeat.” That’s a heart to heart hug.
The third one is to acknowledge and compliment. A lot of times, your partner may do something and acknowledge what they’ve done, if they’ve done something special or not so special. Maybe they took out the garbage and that’s something that they do all the time. I don’t even have to take out the garbage because Frederic does it. When it’s gone, I’m like, “Thank you so much for taking out the garbage.” Show appreciation. Acknowledge what he does do.
If he makes the kids a meal or takes them to play soccer somewhere to get their energy out, I acknowledge him. That acknowledgment, you could speak to that. When I acknowledge you for what you do, how do you feel?
It feels great. It feels that I’m playing an important part in our relationship together. That’s why we want to hear also from our partners that we are basically acknowledged. We’re doing some things that feel good so that the partner doesn’t feel that she/he is alone in doing things that need to be done.
God knows there are plenty of things that need to be done during the day, especially when you have kids in a household and all of that, bills, whatever it is. The partner does not want to feel like they’re left alone doing everything and it’s not on their back. We want to feel there’s someone beside them partnering with them in every aspect of our lives.
It goes true for compliments too. I’ll come out of the bathroom and if he sees that I did my hair, put makeup on, he’ll say, “Hey, beautiful.” It stops me in my tracks. One day, I came out of the bedroom and my hair was like, “I just woke up.” My hair was all disarray and no makeup on.
He goes, “You’re beautiful.” I was like, “My God.” I don’t need that to feel good about myself, but when I hear that, it feels good to have my husband compliment me and say beautiful things. Words of affirmation for me are important. That’s number three.
Connect With Each Other Without The Kids
Number four is to go on a date, just the two of you as often as you can, at least once a week. If you can’t do once a week, do once every two weeks, but you’ve got to go just the two of you on a date where you’re having time to take away from the things that you’re doing together.
Going to sporting events whether it’s hockey, basketball or baseball. Those aren’t my absolute favorite things to do, but I like to do them with him because I like to see him enjoying doing those things. When he’s there, I get to be with him and connect with him in a way. It’s not my favorite, but I like to do it with him and vice-versa.
We were saying like going to rock concerts, it’s not absolutely his favorite, but he loves being with me when I’m rocking out. We love to do things that are not necessarily a ten on both of our lists of things to do, but we do them with each other because we want to be with each other. We want to have that time to have the experiences, get to know each other better, and spend that time with each other.
It’s great to connect with each other without the kids, without other distractions, without the things often we’ll say, “We don’t want to think about business.” We don’t want to talk about business. We want to go out and have lunch, Christy and Frederic.
It feels good to connect together and have a conversation about what we want to do for our next trip, for example. We talk about that together, where we see each other live in our next home that we want. This is how we connect, things that we do and talk together when we are connecting together when just her and me.
Number five is to have some friends that you can go out with. We have a lot of different couple friends. We have our date nights. We have our time that we go. If it’s not night, sometimes we go to breakfast. If it’s not breakfast, then we’ll go to lunch. Other times, they’re activities.
We also have time that we spend with other couple friends. It might be my girlfriend Lisa and her husband Jeff, they have two younger kids. We do these things as a family or it’s like my other friends, Leslie and Brad, we do things as couples.
My cousin who is also my dear friend Natalie and Tim, we do things as couples and go out for a nice dinner or we went to Medieval Times with Natalie, Tim, and the boys over Christmas. Doing these activities with other people also adds to the fun of the relationship and it’s going to be people that you both enjoy, that you both feel comfortable with and enjoy being with.
Lasting Relationship: Invest energy towards creating and growing that relationship spark.
Number six is doing small things to show that you care. Something like when Frederic grabs my foot and gives me a foot massage, it’s like, “He cares.” If I was going to make him a snack or if I call him up and say, “I’m heading back home. Do you want me to pick you up Subway?” It’s something like that.
Doing things to show that you love, doing acts of appreciation like that. Whatever it is, picking up something, like when we were coming I’m like, “Honey, I’m making myself some eggs. Would you like me to make you eggs?” It’s doing things like that that he appreciated. He had a full-on breakfast before we came in and he didn’t have to worry about making himself breakfast.
They’re small actions. As we say, actions speak louder than words. These small gestures are the little actions throughout the day sometimes that are thoughtful of the other one. Have them say, “I’m thinking of you and I know you like that. I felt like I want to give you another iced tea,” for example, for me when I get her an iced tea.
Getting me an iced tea from my favorite place, to me, it’s amazing. It’s such a small thing, but it’s a huge thing for me. They are the small things that matter.
Different Things Keep The Relationship Alive
Number seven is activity. We talked about big activities, but what about little daily activities? Things like taking the dog for a walk or even going for a walk saying, “Babe, let’s go for a walk around the block,” to connect in nature.
It might be doing something like cooking together, making a meal together where you’re in the kitchen. Maybe we sometimes turn on some music and we’re dancing around the kitchen. He’ll make the meat, I’ll make the veggies, but we’re doing something as an activity together.
All these things make the relationship more interesting because during these moments, those are the moments where we get to know more about each other. It’s not in a relationship where the first couple of years you get to know each other and then that’s it. You don’t know the person anymore. There’s growth.
There are things that evolve. As we say, everything in our lives, including ourselves, we all change and we all evolve. We all have different tastes, different things that we like to experience. That’s what keeps the relationship alive.
It’s what keeps the relationship interesting. It’s how to make your relationship last and how to show love to your partner, how to love your partner more, and how to have that love spark. You’ve got to feed it like a fire. You’ve got to spark, you’ve got to flame that fire. You’ve got to create that spark. The spark doesn’t create itself. It’s like with anything.
You have to put yourself in it. You have to invest your energy in it and be able to show that to your partner and give to your partner to be able to have love manifest, to manifest love into your relationship, and to have your best relationship manifest.
Number eight is one of our favorites, that’s cuddling in bed. Our alarm goes off and I usually snooze it. What that means is I back up and he comes forward and we do a little cuddle time. We love our cuddle time and we get to cuddle up next to each other and he puts his arm. I feel enveloped in his love like in my cozy bed and my cozy comforter. I feel safe, warm, and I feel his love all around me. It starts the day in such a beautiful way. Sometimes his back is to me, I’ll tap him and then he’ll come.
It’s like, “It’s time to cuddle.” We get our five minutes cuddle.
It creates a beautiful connection of being able to touch each other not in a sexual way but being able to cuddle with each other, hold each other and start in that way. Whether it’s at night before you go to bed or when you’re waking up in the morning, when you cuddle doesn’t matter. You could be cuddling on the couch, but having that cuddle time has been a big deal for us.
Especially if you both like the touchy part of the relationship, touch for us is a good, important part of our relationship.
Number nine is to do growth together. Do a course together. Come to couples retreat together. Frederic and I, we always invest in our relationship. We are going to our own couples retreats. We’re doing our courses together. We’re always doing something whether it’s a meditation, sessions with the council, or sessions with my healer to make the relationship even more connected.
It’s to release those places that we talked about a couple of episodes, release any places in our pain bodies so that we can be relating more from our love bodies. If you want that, we have an amazing course that we released called From Drama to Love.
It’s getting out of the Drama Triangle, getting out of struggle and chaos, and getting into the circle of love. You can go to FromDramaToLove.com. If you want couples coaching, we have that available and we have a Couples Retreat that we do once a year.
You could go to ChristyWhitman.com and find out about our Couples Retreat. They’re always amazing. We had couples that came and said that weekend completely and absolutely changed their relationship in ways that they couldn’t even have imagined. They had a good relationship but it’s like they pushed the reset button and they have more love and more connection than they ever have. Doing those things together is important.
We put together quite an experience for both sides of the couples, the men and the women. It’s a once in a lifetime experience to take a look at. Number ten is to have more sex.
Don’t just have more sex. Have more toe-curling, awesome, hair-curling sex with your partner in the relationship.
If touch is a good part of the relationship, it will lead to more intimacy and intimacy leads to sex. We all need sex. Let’s not lie about it. Good sex is a good part.
It’s medicinal. It’s a good release.
Apparently, when we orgasm, it keeps us physically young.
That’s why we look like we’re in our 30s. Those are our top ten best advice on how to spark a relationship, how to keep it alive, how to start fueling more fire to your relationship, how to have a happy relationship. Try one of them. Do one of them. See what the reaction is from your partner. Do something to feed your relationship now. You will see that what you send out comes back to you.
Next episode, we are going to be talking about, those of you that are parents, how to empower your children whether it’s your own kid or a step-kid. Whether you’re in a step situation or they’re your own flesh and blood, how to parent and empower your kids.
What was the worst relationship advice you have received from family and friends? Did you heed their opinion or not? You must remember that the best guidance you can get is from yourself, your intuition. Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman talk about the worst advice to ever receive about your relationship or for your relationship. By suggesting some crucial avenues for seeking the right advice, they share the kind of help they can give you. Looking at positive aspects is a sign of loving the divine self and this alone can lead you to understanding your relationship better. From venting to being connected to your inner being to discover the best advice for yourself, Frederic and Christy provide simple tips on avoiding bad advice.
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Conscious Coupling: What’s The Worst Advice You Have Ever Received in Your Relationship?
We’re going to talk about what is the worst advice you’ve ever received about your relationship or for your relationship.
Unwanted advice, that is.
It’s unsolicited and solicited advice. What if you go to a therapist or a counselor and they give you really bad advice? We have a very different perspective. We’re not therapists. Not that there’s anything wrong with therapy. I had therapy for years. Therapy is a very important practice so is counseling.
When someone is telling me what you should do, what you ought to do, what you have to do, giving you advice about your relationship and telling you your next steps. I am always very weary of that, because who is anybody to tell me what to do in my life?
The Only One That Has Authority With You Is Your Divine Being
The only one that has authority with you is your divine being, your own innate wisdom, your own intuition. You have all the wisdom inside of you. You have all the information. What Frederic and I do is we share things that have worked for us.
We share what has got us out of the drama triangle and has moved us into the circle of love. We have shared and will continue to share some of the communication skills, the conflict resolutions, the way that we create our goals and our visions together and all these different things. We’re here suggesting things to you, but we are never going to give you advice. Who are we to tell you what to do?
Worst Relationship Advice: The first step in empowerment is understanding that it is on you if someone you know is trying to guilt or shame you into do something.
We ask you questions that returns you back to your own inner wisdom. That’s what it needs to be. If anyone is telling you what you should or shouldn’t do either if it’s unsolicited or if it is solicited, you go to a therapist. They will tell you what to do. You have to check in with yourself.
I want to give a situation. I had a client named Cheryl that I was working with. I always change the names to protect the innocence. Cheryl had been in an over 25-year marriage to a wonderful man, yet it had been 25 years of built-up pain body, 25 years of things that she pushed under the rug and didn’t process.
When I was working with Cheryl, she started to release some of those things and started to see the positive aspects of her marriage and of her partner. Simultaneously she went to a therapist and the therapist took her down line of questioning to bring out what was she frustrated with, what she could not handle anymore, questions like on a scale of 0 to 100, where are you wanting a divorce?
These kinds of questions that are negative are going to lead someone down that track of focusing on what they don’t want, what they don’t want to continue, what they get frustrated with? It will not bring someone back to their inner alignment. It won’t bring someone back to the fact that this person that you’re in a marriage with is a divine assignment.
If you do love that person and you do want to work it out, their divine self looks at you and them as someone that is loved, adored and is only looking at the positive aspects of you and them. When you look at what are the positive aspects, what are the things that you appreciate about your partner instead of how frustrated are you?
It’d be easy when you’re frustrated to focus on the things that you’re frustrated about. As you continue to focus on that, you’re activating more of that vibration. It’s going to be easy to go, “I’ve had 25 years of this frustration. I don’t need any anymore. Even though we’ve shared kids, all this stuff, I’m done.”
What if you actually looked at, “I’ve shared 25 years with this person. I love this person, I care about this person. I would like the relationship to be better and different in this way. There are things that I have to release within myself, my own resentments, my own frustrations, and come back to a space of love and light?” The relationship opens up in a very different way. We’ve seen this many times. It’s like pushing the reset button on your relationship.
How about finding new ways to connect with each other? How about finding new things about what your partner loves after being together for 10, 15, 20 years. There’s still new stuff with both in a couple growing together. Your interests are changing. Your love of things is changing. All the things around you are changing as well.
This is having a mature relationship. This is being able to give yourself your best advice because you’re connected with your inner being. You’re connected with your feelings. This allows you to have a truly happy marriage. This will allow you to have relationship growth and get to know each other. The relationship advice is the one that you want to maybe get a second opinion, but find someone that’s going to put you towards what you do want and not what you don’t want.
If you’re working with someone that is more focused on the things that are wrong and bad, you may want to find someone maybe like us, Frederic and Christy that are going to guide you in a way, in the direction that you do want to get so that you’re getting the best advice. Even though we don’t give advice. You’re getting the best guidance, you’re getting the best focus so that what you do attract in your life is more of what you want and less of what you don’t.
Getting Unsolicited Advice
Let’s talk about unsolicited advice.
It’s coming also from a neutral point of view. With us, for example, we’re giving you some suggestions. We’re giving you tools for you to work with. We’re not coming from a place where it’s biased. For example, a family member or friends might give you some advice knowing that you feel a certain way about the couple, the relationship and the person you’re with. That is where it’s unsolicited advice that you don’t want to have from friends or family.
What happens is oftentimes we want to vent on what’s going on with friends and family. We want to say whether we’re disappointed with something. Often that’s why we vent, we’re disappointed with a certain situation and we talk about it. That’s what we wanted to say.
Worst Relationship Advice: Decipher and be discerning who you want to receive advice from.
If I was going to be frustrated or if I’m frustrated with Frederic, I could call my girlfriend, Dawn, and go, “I need to vent.” She listens to me and will go, “That sucks.” She’ll do that whole thing. I’m able to vent it to let it go. It’s a way for me because I’m an extrovert. It allows me to help release that energy, feel it and let it go. She doesn’t go, “You know what you should do.”
There are other people that will be talking and all of a sudden will start giving us advice about what we should do in our relationship. We look at them like, “We’re good. We’re fine.” There’s a big difference. You might find that you do that with other people too. You try to give them advice without them asking.
That’s playing the rescuer role inside the drama triangle because what it does is say that Frederic goes to vent to someone he knows about me. I’m the bad guy. He’s the victim and this person giving him unsolicited advice, playing the rescuer or own the drama triangle.
If someone is starting to give you advice that you don’t want, say to them, “Thanks, I’m good though. We’re good. We’ve got to figure it out. We’ll work it out.” It’s a boundary to say that, “We don’t need someone coming in our relationship and giving us advice that we didn’t ask for.”
I don’t need a suggestion on what needs to be done. What I need you to do is put the listening hat on. Put the ears so that you’re recognizing that I’m wanting to get rid of that frustration that’s inside of me. I want to vent it out. I want someone to hear me and women do that good and well. They know that we need to talk about certain things. We’re frustrated about a situation.
Men on the other hand, we don’t necessarily know that when there is frustration inside and we are wanting to talk about it and say to the other person, to our friend, for example, “I’m just wanting to vent out this situation.” Not wanting to have you say, “She’s a bad guy. She’s wrong. She’s not doing it right,” or “He’s the bad guy.” That’s not what it’s about.
Listen to what’s happening and we’re not too good at saying, “I need to get rid of the charge that’s inside of me. There’s a lot of frustration that’s going on. I want to talk about it.” That’s not easy to figure out inside of us.
Let me ask you a question. What is the worst advice you’ve ever been given in your relationship? I’m going to share mine. I’m not going to say who it came from, but I had someone told me when we were first dating, that I needed to give him an ultimatum because I wanted to get married. I should tell him that if we don’t get married, it’s over. That was the worst advice.
Luckily, I had a girlfriend, Dawn, that I called and said, “I got this advice.” She’s like, “That’s crazy. You’re going to lose him if you do that.” I’m like, “I would never do that.” Do you know the worst advice in a relationship that you’ve ever been given?
Don’t get married. I’ve heard it a lot of times from friends, from guys talking together. I’m glad I listened to my inner self when I met the right one.
We want to know. Leave us a comment on what is the worst advice you’ve ever been given.
We Are Under The Influence Of Energy All The Time
One thing I want to have you take away and leave is that we’re taking in literally energy. We have receptor sites on every single one of our selves. We are under the influence of energy all the time. We can receive energy, opinions, advice and all kinds of energy that are coming at us from different people in our lives. We could also be in the energy receiving mode of our divine self.
When it’s coming from other people, you have to decipher, be discerning who you want to receive advice from and look at that person and say, “Is this a person that I want to have their lifestyle, I want to have the results that they have in their life?” I’m not going to take advice from someone that’s been married and divorced three times. Probably that’s not the person that’s going to give me the best advice.
If someone’s giving me solicited or unsolicited advice, be discerning as far as who you’re listening to. One of my friends, as a soccer mom, was saying that she was taking her child to a therapist and she got guilted into signing up for another session. What I said is no one can ever make us feel how we don’t choose to feel. That’s the first step in empowerment.
Understanding that if someone is trying to guilt us or shame us in to do something and we accept it, that’s ours, that’s on us. That is being under the influence of someone else. We have to be able to say yes to what feels good to us and no to what doesn’t feel good to us. That’s how you start to listen to your inner voice. That’s how you start to take your best advice. That’s why you start getting influenced energetically from your divine self who always loves and adores you.
That advice that you’re getting, you can ask yourself, “Is this the best thing that I can do for myself right now? Is this the best advice that I can get right now?” Look at it and feel that instead of taking it and going with it. You’re allowed to figure out, “Let me think about it first. Is that something that I want to do?”
Don’t accept it at just face value. Question it. Is that right for me? Let us know what you’re taking away and let us know what is the worst advice you’ve ever been given in your relationship? Next time, we are going to be talking about how to keep your relationship exciting. How to have a mindful, loving love manifestation relationship. We’re going to give you ten points on how to spice it up.
