All relationships have highs and lows. If that is the case, it is safe to say that no relationship is perfect. However. two people can always give their best shot if they are full-on committed to making things last. It is without exaggeration that every healthy and happy relationship blooms from good communication and mutual understanding, but are all couples aware of each other’s love preference? Discover the best energy to feed in your relationship as we break down The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
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What Is Your Love Preference?
We’re talking about your preferred love preference. What is your preferred love language? There is a wonderful book and a quiz we both recommend when we do our coupling work with other couples. You can go online and there’s an amazing author. His name is Gary Chapman and he has many books. One of the books is The 5 Love Languages. You can go online and go to 5LoveLanguages.com/quizzes. You just look it up on Google and you can do your own test. What we recommend is that you do it as a couple. Each person does it individually and then you share it with your partner. As Gary talks about, there are five different ways that we can give and also receive love. The interesting thing is that we don’t, in a couple, give and receive love in the same way. The author talks about words of affirmation like, “I appreciate you so much. Thank you so much for all that you do with the kids and taking them to soccer.”
“You look so beautiful in that red or pink shirt. Your hair is so amazing. I love the way you did your hair this morning.”
Those are words of affirmation, “Thanks for doing the dishes, I appreciate that.” It’s sending a text message saying, “I love you.” They are words of affirmation. That’s one way that we receive and give love. That’s not for everybody, but what this quiz does is it tells you the five priorities. You have words of wisdom, acts of service. That might be he changed the light bulb in the house or he did the dishes or he took out the garbage or I cooked him dinner. There are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. These are the five ways that we give or receive love.
In each of those buckets, each person can receive very differently. You have these conversations. You know what the quizzes are. It’s not so much this way anymore. I know it changed, but one of my biggest ones was receiving. For him, he could care less. That’s the lowest on his totem pole and I think I got a one or two when you did that. For me to bring him a box of chocolate or a book, he’d be like, “It’s something she did for me.” It wouldn’t be like, “She loves me.” When he brings me flowers, I’m like, “This is the greatest thing ever,” because the act of giving gifts is more my love language. For him, you can speak to this.
It’s quality time and physical touch. When I get to spend time with her, it fills up my heart. In our first episode, I had said whenever I’m with her working on our podcast, creating all the programs that we’re wanting to create for the Conscious Connected Coupling that we’re doing and even our workshop, that gets me excited. That gets me even more in love with her when I get to spend some time dating each other. I love going out and have a movie together, going out somewhere, just walking around the park somewhere together. That’s the time that I cherish. The physical touch, I love when we hold hands. I love it when she puts her hand around me and on my back. Those are my love languages and it’s good for her to understand. We get to understand each other as a couple together and we get to know even more of one another. That’s what we want to establish after getting into a long-term relationship. You want to know more of these intimate things that the partner wants you to do.
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It’s feeding the relationship because everything is energy. You get into a relationship like this and it’s not a college diploma. I went to Arizona State University and I have a diploma. It’s forever mine. I don’t have to put any more energy into it. It’s a degree that just sits there and I get to use it for credibility if I want to or need to, but a relationship is a living and breathing thing. It’s always evolving and you can expand or can contract. You’re feeding it with what the language of love is that your partner can receive. He could care less about gifts. If I’m showering him with gifts all day every day, he’s not able to receive it.
We have to do things in our relationship that even though my language of giving and receiving might be different, we need to be aware of what it is for the partners so that I’m speaking the language that he can receive. He will understand that I love him. We recommend taking the quiz because then you get to know what’s important to your partner. You might find that some of the things are very similar. It might be spending quality time, but your lives are so crazy busy. Maybe you have kids, you’re traveling, you’re building businesses, you’re doing all the things, but just take five minutes to connect and go for a walk around the block. Doing something that is quality time with each other because that’s both of your love language feeds the relationship.
You want to think that everything is energy and when you’re feeding the relationship with good, positive and love energy, it not only fills you up but it also makes you feel good. There’s more of this beautiful energy exchange. Something very simple like both of us likes to receive words of affirmation. There are many different ways that you could do that. You could give a card or you could send a text. He was telling me one time when I went out of town, I had put a note in the refrigerator and said that I loved him. I don’t remember what it said, but he said that touched him because it’s a word of affirmation. Leave a note on the pillow or doing something where it’s like, “I appreciate you so much. Thank you for all that you did today with taking care of the kids.”
That’s an acknowledgement of the love that we have for each other. It’s worth taking the time in order to do that, particularly in times where we’re not feeling too good or there’s something happening. There’s an issue that is deep inside concerning someone. For someone who does not have the physical touch as a high love language, that person is into its own issues. Then to come to that person and touch him, you might have a reaction of, “Don’t touch me.” All of a sudden it would be like, “Why are you acting that way? Why are you pulling away from me?” Knowing that the physical touch is not one of his love languages, that’s not how I’m going to connect with him or her in that way when there’s an issue that pops up. That also is important to know because in these times, it’s great to understand each other at that level when there’s something underneath that is bothering someone.
Another example is I could be overwhelmed. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do with the kids. Maybe they’ve got reports, extra homework, I’m teaching classes and I’m doing all this stuff. For him to say, “I’ve got dinner tonight,” that’s an act of service. That’s his way of showing love, not just to me but also the kids. For him to be able to prepare that and taking that off my plate or one of the things that I need to do, that’s like, “Thank you.” The way we keep exchanging it back is touching him because touch is important, but also saying to him, “Thank you so much for that amazing dinner. I appreciate you doing that and feeding the kids and taking care of that so I didn’t have to do it tonight. I appreciate you.” Then it’s an exchange back and forth.
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It almost takes us out of the roles. I’ve got to parent now and be with the kids while she works. I have to take care of them. I have to feed them. Knowing that if I prepare something, for example, some food for the boys, I’ll make sure that you have something as well. I know that you’ll be grateful for having that. I don’t get into the role of parenting.
That, “Men don’t cook the food. Women have to cook the food,” the old paradigms of what women should be and what man should be. We’re in a day and age where it’s very different. More women are starting businesses. I started my business twelve years ago with complete and absolute support from Frederic. I wouldn’t have been able to do what I do, especially in our relationship and the ways that he stepped up and taken care of the kids. We don’t have traditional roles in our family. When we fight against those roles, that’s what makes it difficult. The love language is one of the tools. It’s not our tools, it’s Gary Chapman’s tool but we find that it’s such an important thing as a baseline to understand your partner and what he or she needs.
How can you truly express how you feel? A lot of times we think, “I’m going to express it in this way.” We have to stop and think, “Will partner receive it in this way? How will my partner receive it?” Be willing to do the things that your partner will receive in a way that you’re feeding. The way to think about it is everything is energy truly. When you’re feeding the relationship good and positive thoughts, that’s important because every relationship starts inside of you, whether it’s your relationship with your mother or your mother-in-law. I’ve completely transformed my relationship with my mother-in-law by starting inside of myself first. Whether it’s your relationship with your kids or with your significant partner, it’s every relationship. When you’re having nasty thoughts of, “He’s not this. She’s not this. She’s not enough. He’s not enough,” those energetic sparks go out and it deteriorates the relationship.
When you deliberately think about and put in words of affirmation in your own mind about, “He’s so wonderful,” this is an internal work you can do, not even expressing it to him. “I so appreciate Frederic for his kind heart and the way he is so present with our children and the way that he shows up for me and how he’s always supportive.” Just saying these things in my own mind, I’m feeding our relationship with good positive energy that starts inside of me. He will feel that. Your partner always feels the energy, whether they’re consciously aware of it or not. On some level, you have an inner being that always feels it and in some level, you will. It’s important to be mindful. “What am I feeding the relationship now? Am I feeding it junk and gunk or am I feeding at high vibrational love and support and things like that?”
One thing that’s important too is she’s looking at the positive aspect instead of looking at the negative aspect. That’s what causes initially what we had said, “I try and I do what I can do and it’s never enough. She doesn’t appreciate it.” Some men feel that way. Not all men, but some men feel that way because of the fact that they don’t feel appreciated. They don’t feel like there’s positive that comes back to them for the things that they are doing. Does it also mean that what we’re saying about and trying to understand the love language is that you should change yourself completely and figure out the way that you should communicate is only through love language? No, we’re not saying to not speak from what goes on inside of you. What we’re saying is once in a while to be able to see that positive aspect, that one thing that he has done for you or she has done, the cooking of the food, the paying of the bills, getting up on time in the morning and making sure that everybody is ready. It’s all of these aspects. The more the positive aspects will be in place, the more they will be noticed and appreciated by everyone too.
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You’re feeding your relationship all day every day. You have to ask yourself, “What am I feeding it with?” That all starts inside of you. I love what you said that it’s not saying, “He needs this, so let me give him everything he needs.” It’s being able to come from yourself and say what you prefer and come from the I, which is our next episode. We’re going to be talking about I-language versus you-language. This is key in any relationship and being able to be connected to yourself. Be willing to realize where you might have hurts and resentments. Hurts and resentments are like scorpions and snakes in a relationship. They’re biting.
You feel that inside and that’s what comes out because you can only give what you feel inside. When you feel love and you feel appreciation, that’s what’s going to extend out from you. If you’re feeling resentment, if you’re feeling anger, if you’re feeling frustration or you’re feeling the hurts and past resentments of the longevity of your relationship, it’s going to come out like a scorpion sting and a little snake bite. We want to be mindful of that because all the relationship starts inside of us. It’s all energy and hurts and resentments can be released. There can be forgiveness. We’ll bring in the council in another episode to even do healing on that. That’s some of the stuff that we do in our day or weekend workshops with couples, even in our online events. We always bring in that entity of the council. In order to change anything, you have to release the stuff of the past that’s holding you back.
That is the anger, the frustrations, all of those things and be able to be willing to push the reset button. It’s just one tool. We’re going to share many different tools. It’s not like we do all of our work around Gary Chapman. It’s just one aspect whereas a baseline, it’s good to understand how does your partner receive love? What’s most important to your partner? Is it quality time together or spending time together? Is it having a physical touch? When I put my feet up on him while we were watching TV and he’d massage my feet, I’m in complete heaven. Just that for five minutes, it’s like, “He loves me.” It’s that feeling of, “I’m loved.”
When you can feel that in your relationship, you’re coming from the space of abundance instead of a space of lack. We’ll talk about that too, the difference between lack and abundance, and what you feel inside that you conditioned with. When you’re coming from that space of, “He loves me and I love him and we’re a team together. He’s not against me. He does not want to hurt me. He’s not wanting to be opposing me. He does not want to be the bad guy.” We’ll talk about the drama triangle too. He wants to be in love with me.
I want to make her feel safe around me. That’s very instinctive from the old times. Men want to make sure that she’s protected and she’s provided for. I feel good when I know that she feels in a safe place with me.
[bctt tweet=”In order to change anything, you have to release the stuff of the past that’s holding you back.” username=””]
The feelings were up to me to feel safe. He can provide that but it’s my choice. If he can’t make me feel safe, I have to choose to feel safe or not. I can only feel safe inside of myself if I release this stuff of the past because there were things in our relationship where I didn’t feel safe. Unless I forgave and release those past things the way he used to be because he’s not the same now, I’d be still looking at him the way he used to be and I wouldn’t feel safe. That choice of being safe and trusting and having faith is inside of me. That even elevates the relationship too, to be able to have the forgiveness and the release of the things in the past so that he can set up what he wants to, to ensure that I feel safe. It’s ultimately up to me to choose that safety, to choose to feel protected, to choose to feel provided for in a way that I feel comfortable with.
We will take a look at those underlying issues, those things that create that stress or that conflict that can arise from whatever is within that causes that tension.
For now, what you’re going to do is go online to the 5 Love Languages and take the quiz. There’s an apology language, which we’re going to talk about. It’s not from Gary Chapman’s work but how to apologize, what’s your fighting style? We’re going to talk about that. What are some other options for how to get your voice across? There’s an anger assessment. How angry are you with your partner? We can help you with releasing that anger. For now, go online and do the 5 Love Languages quiz for yourself just to know what your love language is. Ask your partner to do it too, to let you both know.
Let’s say he or she is not watching the podcast and you want her or him to do it, say, “It’s because I want to learn how to love you more. I want to learn how to provide that love to you.” It doesn’t take very long. It’s simple questions, not anything you have to think about. It’s more like, “Would you rather receive a gift or a compliment?” It’s that easy. Take it together, communicate what that is, then do one thing for your partner every day. Be mindful of, “Thank you for being here with me and I love you so much. I appreciate you so much.” Words of affirmation, the gift of service, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, what is your love language? Check it out and we will be back with the next episode where we will talk about I instead of you.