Is it normal to fall out of love with your spouse? The answer is yes. Our hosts, Christy Whitman and Frederick Gobeil, explain the concept of falling out of love through their personal experiences. Discover how your parents’ marriage affects your relationships and how to be aware if you are making the same reality with your spouse. Join them as they further explain what you can do to fall back in love and continue to grow together as a couple.
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Can You Love Again When You Fall Out Of Love?
Can you fall back in love when you fall out of love? I will say absolutely, yes. We know countless stories of people that have said, they’re done. They’ve fallen out of love and felt that it was over. I will have to admit, I’ve never said this publicly before, but I was one of those people.
I was one of those people with my husband, Frederic, where I had felt I wasn’t out of love, but I felt that the love was done. I felt that I was done because there were some different things that happened in our relationship where I was continuing to grow. He thought he was perfect and didn’t have anything to do or grow on.
I did my growth. I had done some growth and I was like, “Perfect. I did what I needed to do and I know some stuff and I don’t need to continue further on because I’m perfect the way I am in my relationship.”
I’m Done. I Can’t Do This Anymore.
What happened was I was tired of doing it all and being it all. I was at a point where we had taken a trip to California and we had driven up the coast of California to do a couple of different things. We went to LA first and I did a speaking reel and he was there with me and had some time in the LA, did a couple of different TV shows in LA.
We went into San Diego and I was speaking at Lisa Nichols’ event. It was a big deal for me at the time because there were 400 people in the room and it had been the biggest audience that I’d ever spoken in front of not online but in person. It was a big thing for me. We had our nanny and our two boys that were back home in Montreal. He was there to support me. He was in the room. I get offstage. I felt like I did amazing. I was proud of how everything came out.
As soon as I get off the stage, my assistant at the time said, “Your nanny is on the phone.” I get on the call with Francine and she said, “Your electricity has been turned off of your house. The guy from Hydro Quebec came by.” It’s Friday afternoon there. It was like 5:00. He came by and said, “The bill was not paid and therefore we have to turn off the electricity.”
It was the time of year where in Montreal, you can’t go without electricity because it was getting cold or it was cold. My kids then had to go over to Francine’s condo. They were fine. They were protected but I was pissed. I was upset. Other little things have happened like this. I was done. I was completely done.
I told Frederic to pack his bags from San Diego. We were staying there a couple of days longer and that he needs to go take care of his kids. I left the room because I was mad. I remember calling our therapist at that time. I was crying and I was upset. I’m like, “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”
When I came back up to the room, I was still upset. I was crying and now he’d left. I had convinced myself that I don’t love him anymore. I don’t want to be with him anymore. I can’t handle this anymore.
I proceeded to stay in San Diego because I was speaking the next day again. He left. I stayed there. When we returned, I returned on Sunday evening that we couldn’t get the electricity turned back on until Monday because they’re gone for the weekend. He had taken the kids and went to a hotel room.
When I came in on Sunday, I met them all in the hotel room. He was sorry but I was very much like, “I’ll say I’m into it but I’m done.” I had a plan. I wanted to move the family to Arizona because I knew I was done. If I had said I was done living in Montreal and with my kids going to school in Montreal, I would be stuck living in Montreal which I didn’t want to do.
I started to plan to buy a house in Arizona to get the kids into Arizona, into the school system because I was done. I had no more emotional attachment in this relationship. I wasn’t in love anymore. I convinced myself of that.
We bought a house in Arizona and about a month later, we are getting ready to go see our therapist/healer in Arizona together. We are getting ready to get in the car to see her. I get a knock at the door and it’s the APS, which is the electricity in Arizona, saying the bill had not been paid. The electricity was going to be turned off. It was the same situation. At the time in Montreal, there was one bill that Frederic paid and it was the electricity bill.Having divorced parents can affect your marriage one way or another. Click To Tweet
In Arizona, there was one bill he paid and it was the electricity bill. I get this notification and I’m like, “I’m done.” We get in the car, drive over to see Karen Wilson. I walk in the place and she could tell the energy when she opened up the door. I handed her the sheet that said the notice that they were turning off the electricity. I went and sat down.
I crossed my arms and I said, “I’m now done.” I figured, “I’m here in Arizona. My kids are in school. I’m set. I can be here in Arizona now. I’m done. I don’t need him anymore. I want to walk away from this relationship.” Karen sat there, “Why don’t you because it was your experience.” That was it. I thought that my marriage was over.
Do Something. Understand Why You’re Losing The Relationship.
That story looks at the struggle that I was going through inside. It was at a point where, for me in my life, I was struggling a lot to understand what was it to become a responsible man, a responsible adult. I had never been shown and not to make an excuse.
My primary relationship, which was my parents, that’s where you see how things are going on. I had always had a dominant, powerful, strong mother who would take care of everything in the household. My father was there in terms of physique but was not present at all with anything in even his life or our lives. Rarely was he the one coming over to me and talking to me about something.
I would only remember him taking some time with me to play baseball, where we could throw baseball together. We didn’t have many conversations, him and I, about how you take care of a household? How do you take care of your family? How do you take care of your wife when you’re married? What are the things that you need to do when you grow up as an adult? Things like that, sitting down with your father, which is pretty important.
After I realized that, I didn’t have. What I saw was a very detached father. That was my reaction to the things in my life that were too heavy to take on, too much of a burden, too much of a way of becoming an adult where I didn’t know how to do that.
What I would do is I would escape from everything. I wouldn’t be there. I would be there physically around people, but I wasn’t there. I wasn’t taking attention to what they were saying or when I was talking. I was saying what people wanted to hear from me. Projecting what I felt like was good to see.
What happened with my relationship is I was doing the same thing. I thought that being in a relationship with someone was about having the woman do everything in the house and not being responsible because that’s how my father did it. I thought if I don’t create any tension, that’s how I won’t create any tension, is by letting her do it the way she wants to do.
How do I do that? Give her everything and step back. I did not know how to pay bills. I did do that when I was younger, I was in apartment complexes and I would pay my bills, but the bills were late. Anyways, it was never a real big issue for me.
At that point in time, when that happened, the bell rang. The first time that it happened, that was the moment for me where I said to myself, “I need to do something. I need to understand why I’m doing that and why I’m losing the relationship.”
My parents divorced so that divorce, I never thought it would affect me. Later on, I found out that how I was acting was expecting my marriage to end up the same way. I couldn’t do enough. I couldn’t be enough to make this marriage work. Ultimately, it would end up in failure and I would end up as a divorce. What was going on is I was working into that reality. I was making that concept into a reality for me, for myself.
You started going to Karen though, after the first time it happened when we were in San Diego.
After that first time, I started going to Karen, seeing a therapist and started working on myself, working on my growth. Why am I doing these things? Where are these patterns coming from? Understanding, where they’re coming from, they’re still there. It takes a little bit more time because, like any addiction, it comes back, things come back. The second time was more dealing with, “Do you want to really keep this marriage?”
He was sitting there. I’m saying, “I’m done. We’re done. We’re going to have to start taking steps to dissolve our marriage. I’m serious. I was done.” I was out of love. At least I thought. Karen was rattling his cage to wake him up.
The first experience that I had with Karen as a therapist was more of a realizing, “What’s going on?” These are the things that are happening. These are the patterns. I wasn’t applying them. It was in the mental area. It wasn’t physical. I wasn’t living them.
Second time around, I realize, “I’ve got to live this stuff. I’ve got to put it into action because if I don’t put this into action, that’s it. We’re done.” That’s when I started realizing, “I need to put the effort. This is my life.” I did tell her when we were there. Karen shook me up the second time that we were there to the core.
She asked me, “Do you want this? Are you ready to do your work? To stand up for yourself, stand up for your marriage. Look at her, look at your wife. She’s sitting there. She’s crying. Are you aware of this?” That was the moment where I could see her.
I could see how this whole thing that I would think that it was fine the way I was behaving. It wasn’t. It was hurting her. I came to the conclusion that I was ready to do the work that I wanted to do to keep my relationship with her. I told her later on. I said, “I am committed to this relationship, this marriage.” From that point on, things have changed.
I’m back in love. Can you fall back in love once you’ve fallen out of love? The answer is absolutely yes. We share this story with you because we have never shared our tipping point on the show before and felt that it was time. We’ve shared bits and pieces of it.
It’s a vulnerable story for both of us to share in this capacity because it was a tough time. For those that were closest to us, wondering are they going to make it or not? We did and I’m grateful because now I’m more in love with him now than I’ve ever been. How do we get back there?
Number one is I had to find my willingness again. I had to find my willingness to do it even if it was the willingness to keep the family together for the kids. That was at least the part of the willingness. I was willing to find that deep soul connection that we had at the beginning that brought us together. I was able to bring in that willingness.
Sometimes, that opening of that door to find that space inside of yourself that says, “I’m willing to love him. I’m willing to love her. I’m willing to work on this relationship.” I have the desire to stay together because we did have a great relationship.
The love is there. It’s not the love all of a sudden disappeared.Love is inside of you and it is a choice that you make. Click To Tweet
I felt like it had. I felt I was out of love. The part of this show is, what do you do if you feel like you’ve fallen out? A lot of times, the love is still there. It’s like we pass on the love that we’ve shared with everybody goes with us.
The love never dies but it could be blockaded by anger, resentment, and frustration. It feels like I don’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t sign up for this. I got to love myself more than this. I got to take care of myself. It’s having that desire to make it work and put in what would make it work that is consistently getting help.
We offer couple’s workshops and our retreat is coming up at the end of February. That’s a first step in doing that. Working with your partner on understanding what the places, all the things that we both had to not only become aware of but had to understand is.
As Fredric said, “Not just get as a concept but live in our lives.” We created a program From Drama To Love. We are happy now that we’re in a place where for the past few years, our relationship continues to grow and expand and become more conscious and more loving. Are we perfect couple? No.
It’s because we continue to grow and expand. We are committed to each other and ourselves in order to continue that growth. I continue that growth for myself to understand what’s going on inside because there are still some things that show up. What happens is now I pick them up much quicker than how I used to do it.
Open because if I come to him and say, “I’m noticing this or I’m feeling this.” He’s more open to listen to me and to go within instead of being like, “What’s your deal? That’s your problem. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
Love Is A Choice We Make.
One thing you have to remember is that love is not outside of you with your partner. It’s not like he’s got my love, the love is inside of you. It’s a choice that we make. Do we want to love again? Do we want to receive that energy in our hearts and be able to give that energy out to our partners in the way of what we say in the kindness, in what we do, in the way that we allow that connection inside of ourselves?
If we’re closing our hearts down to our partner, anybody else, we’re cutting ourselves off from that source and that flow of where love comes from and that’s our divine self. When we allow ourselves to feel that love no matter what, it doesn’t matter who we’re with. We can allow that energy to flow to them as well because we’re allowing our source first. We have to be able to be in a place of love regulation.
What I mean by that is sometimes we have to change our mindset and think positively about the other person and about aspects. Because during that time, it was easy to focus on what was wrong, what was bad, what was not working, what I was tired of, what I was frustrated about.
From that place when you’re down in that downward spiral, it’s like Law of Attraction. More thoughts of the same are going to pile up. I had to stop myself and say, “I’m having the willingness to fight this out, not to fight it out but to move through and find if there is still something here. I have to be willing to look for the positive aspects of our marriage, about our relationship, about him. Look for those positive aspects and make that my dominant vibration and my dominant thought.”
It would have been enough for me also to say, “I’m not enough to her eyes. I don’t need to continue this because it’s going nowhere.” There’s no way that I can make her see that she could trust me, she can have confidence and what I need and show her that I’m willing to do something to recognize what’s going on, not to change.
To recognize what’s going on within myself and do that growth and have that willingness for sure and say to myself, “I am enough. It’s all as good.” That’s the process that we need to go through to be on the other side with an amazing relationship but connected conscious relationship.
You want to avoid negative thinking traps. We talk about this From Drama To Love. You can go to FromDramaToLove.com. You can also go to ChristyWhitman.com/couples. When you avoid the negative traps of being negative, all or nothing thinking, shooting, blaming the other person, these are things that we have to be able to catch ourselves doing and be able to shift that perception in our minds.
We cannot blame our partners if we want to feel still good and grow the love because that sucks the love out. When we’re shooting, when we’re saying always and never. Some of the things that we go through the From Drama To Love program are going to help with your willingness and being more positive and looking for the positive aspects.
It’s moving you back into a place of gratitude and appreciation for your partner. Allowing yourself to be in your heart again and to be able to allow that love to flow. Being able to know how to communicate about what’s important, what you prefer, what you want, all these are important. To answer the question, can you fall back in love again? Yes, you absolutely can.
I will say that I love this man with all my heart. I’m grateful that we went through what we went through. I’m grateful for that time. I wouldn’t take any of that back because you woke up. What’s cool is that I now know more about Frederic. He allows more of himself to show up. He makes me laugh all the time. He wasn’t like that before. He was like a shell of a person.
Now, his personality comes out even more which I love. We enjoy our lives together. We enjoy spending time together. We love creating together. I’m grateful I didn’t let go when it was time to keep my heart open. I’m grateful I had the willingness to do that. If I could do it, you can do it.
We could do it. Thank you for saying that. I want to say that I wasn’t the only one that decided to show up. You also decided to do the same thing and show up in our relationship. I want to thank you for that. If I’m important enough in your eyes, then you’re important enough in my eyes. If we’re both important enough in each other’s eyes to do the work, then that will help out in the relationship ultimately. That’s for sure.
Hopefully, this has inspired you wherever you are in your relationship, to fall back deeply and madly in love with your partner and to allow the love that is there to flow through you. Love never dies. It’s energy. Love can never be destroyed. It’s there and you have to tap into it and have the willingness to do it.
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for reading our story. Next time, we’re going to talk about how do you know if it’s time to stay or if it’s time to go like the clash. Do I stay or do I go? Until next time, thank you so much.