We all deserve to have a relationship which is fun, something which is where we want to spend time with each other whether it’s watching TV together or spending time watching the kids at soccer or whatever they’re doing. Reaching that level of closeness and intimacy requires consciousness, having that awareness and understanding of what your partner wants, what you want, and what your vision is together. That is precisely what this podcast is all about – to help inform and inspire couples to become conscious as we bring to light all the nitty-gritty, not-so-sexy life couples go through. Achieve conscious coupling and be in alignment in your relationship as you learn how you can consciously connect together as a couple and create that healthy relationship.
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Do You Want A Conscious, Connected Couple?
We’re excited to have you here. I’ve wanted to do something with Frederic like this for a long time. I know many people in my audience and that have been following me for a long time have wanted Frederic to speak, talk and teach with me in doing coupling things.
I can speak too but it wasn’t the time for me prior to me doing my growth and having to experience what I had to experience before I said to Christy, “I’m ready now.”
He said to me, “I’m ready.” I didn’t know what he was ready for. I was ready for anything he was ready for. He said, “I’m ready to do couples work. I’m ready to teach and help other couples create the relationship they want, to be more connected, to be more conscious, to be more in the space of having skilled language and communication and continuing to grow and fun and joy.” I immediately text a couple of my clients and I said, “He’s ready.” That has led us to do couples retreats and a lot of different online events and different episodes on my Quantum Success Show. Here we are able to co-create this podcast together to help understand what we did because we’ve always been conscious. We raise to a different level when we learn certain things from our mentor and therapist. We no longer work with her. For years we did, Karen Lamark Wilson. She taught us some things that helped him as a man, helped me as a woman and helped us as a couple.
We also want to give perspectives. I want to give the perspective of the man or more of the masculine side in the relationship. You’re going to come up with the perspective of more of a woman. We want to keep it light and keep it fun also. We want to have a lot of laughs while we’re doing this. We all deserve to have a relationship which is fun, which is where we want to spend time with each other. I always tell my wife wherever I am with her, whatever I’m doing with her, I’m enjoying my time with her. I cherish every single time I spend with her whether it’s doing this work with her and I’m loving it. Whether it’s watching TV together or spending time watching the boys at soccer or whatever they’re doing. I want and wish we can give you some of the examples we will provide you over here.
We’re not perfect. He’s got his stuff. I’ve got my stuff. What we do have is knowledge of how to communicate. The first thing I want to say what we want to do in this show is to help inform, inspire, and become conscious. What is consciousness? Consciousness is having an awareness, having an understanding and having knowledge of in this particular place what your partner wants and what you want and what your vision is together. How do you want to create together? One of the entities that we will bring in during this show is that I also bring in Quantum Council of Light, which is enlightened beings, ascended masters that come in and speak. They heal.
One of the things they have taught and shared is that each and every person is programmed to have absolute divine abundance, success, divine health and divine relationships. Meaning loving, connected, supportive, growing, expanded and loving relationships. We didn’t always have that. We tried but our own past got in the way. My own programming, an example of what my parents did and how they acted and what was available in my awareness to relate and to have fights and disagreements and all of that stuff and then so did Frederic.
For some of us, it’s easier to get into a relationship. Once you’re in the relationship, it is a way of you for looking inside and seeing how you’re going to maintain that relationship with your partner after a while, the honeymoon period. There are issues that come up in every aspect of your lives whether it’s having kids, whether it’s family, in-laws, money or any situation.
All the nitty-gritty, not so sexy life together in a couple. I have people for years. I’ve been a coach for many years and an author. I’ve been helping people attract their ideal partners. They attract them and it’s like, “How do we function in this relationship?” That’s what this show is all about because we’ve learned some things along the way. We are not perfect. We still have I wouldn’t say disagreements.
Conscious Coupling: The individual work you do, your own alignment in your relationship, and then connecting together as a couple is what creates a healthy relationship.
They’re not disagreements. They’re more in the space of a conversation that we’re able to have together. The level of intensity is not the same. It used to be high levels of reaction. Now, we’re able to come together and find ways to get solutions, have solutions with any issues that come up and they do come up.
When you have emotions that are inside of you, the philosophy Frederic and I have in our relationship and the Council of Light brings in is that each individual is an individual in a relationship. All this stuff in society with music and that two become one. You don’t. I’m still breathing on my own. He’s breathing on his own. Because we are together, we are not one person. I am still Christy. He is still Frederic. We get into society, into the roles. He’s husband, I’m wife and what does it mean? He’s supposed to do this. He should do this. As a woman, it can be disappointing if my idea of a husband should do this and he’s not that way. Now, I’m shooting on him and vice versa.
It’s important to understand that the individual work you do, your own alignment in your relationship then connecting together as a couple what creates a healthy relationship. I can speak for myself is that I had a set point of anger. I know a lot of women are angry. They’re frustrated. They’re disappointed with either their life or what’s happened or they’re not getting what they want. Anger is a trigger, an emotion to let us know that either our boundaries are being crossed or we’re not getting what we want. Mine was a set point. I was angry. No matter what he did, no matter what he said or didn’t say, my big huge anger button was being pushed. I would be reactive.
Since I healed all of that and I released all of that button and that set point of anger, if something is said or not said or something is done or not done, I don’t have this huge emotional reaction. I’m coming from an aligned place. I can feel my whoosh of anger in the moment or frustration or whatever it is and feel what I’m feeling. Be able to communicate and say, “I would prefer this next time.” He’s able to hear me because I’m not saying, “You didn’t do this and you didn’t do that.” Blaming him for how I feel. If you would change, then I would be okay. We don’t have that language anymore, whereas we used to and most couples do.
A lot of that anger also comes from not being heard. In our relationship, it started where we were talking together and I wasn’t hearing her. There are things she wanted in the household. I could not hear her because for whatever reason, my background stuff, I did not pay much attention to whatever she was saying. I was leaving it by the wayside. It caught up to her. It was getting her frustrated and angry. Until I realized that because a lot of the point at the beginning of our relationship, I saw you doing your inner work. I didn’t need to do much of my inner work. I had done some spiritual work when we met each other. We met each other at a seminar.
It was T. Harv Eker’s Enlightened Warrior years ago.
I had that spiritual awareness before I met her and when I did meet her, I put that aside. I take it in bunches. Afterwards, I applied what I learned and let it sink in a little bit. When I get into a relationship with her, I was like, “I’m okay spiritually. I don’t need to do any type of growth.” That wasn’t the case. I had to realize I did need to do a little bit of my own personal growth along with a therapist then, along with an energy worker that we all know. Luckily, that space, that person helped us get clearer in our communication together.
He would say to me, “Why are you angry? You love me.” It was such a minimization of how I was feeling. I wanted to be understood. I wanted him to validate. I love John Gray. John Gray is a friend of mine now. I remember in the ‘80s when I read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, one of the biggest things I took away from that book is that men need to be appreciated. Women need to be validated. Nobody can validate your feelings. You have to feel your own feelings. You have to understand your own feelings. You have to express your own feelings. I was doing that in a skillful way as I could. Yet the bigness of my emotions would have him minimizing. There’s never a reason to be angry, which would make me angrier because he was minimizing it. It would make me feel crazier.
Conscious Coupling: Whether you call this person a life partner or a husband or a wife, this is the person you supposedly should be the most intimate with.
I was trying everything I could in order not to make her angry, in order to keep her satisfied. Whatever I could do not to have her react, have her do that quick reaction. It wasn’t working because all I would do is trying to patch. My attention instead of having it focused on myself was focused on her way too much. There is a focus obviously because we love each other because I love her. There is a focus also that needs to be within me in order to figure out, “What is it that I want? Where is it I’m doing that is not serving and is getting her to be angry?” I needed to realize that.
The difference is what most couples do is it’s like Aretha Franklin, “You make me feel like a natural woman.” Nobody can make you feel. Feelings are a choice. It’s a decision that we make. When he is doing something or not doing something or saying something or not saying something, I have a choice in how I react or respond to that. It feels a little like, “How could you even choose?” No, he’s doing this so naturally you would act like this. When you understand that he is outside of me and when all of my focus is on him, then it’s an outer-in way of life. What we’re recommending what has changed our relationship is now it’s an in or out.
I’m able to be Christy. I’m able to have my own connection, first of all. I’m able to have my own process of emotions. I’m able to have my own opinions and preferences. I get to share them with Frederic. Because I’m more of myself, I’m able to tell him and express to him how I feel, what I want to do, what I prefer and how I feel about this situation whether it’s raising the kids or getting a puppy or whatever it is. He gets to know me better. I’m not in the role of wife. A wife should be like this or I’m not in the role of, “I have to be the one to make you feel like a man or make you feel appreciated,” or any of that stuff. I get to be who I am and he gets to be who he is. Sometimes we don’t always have the same preferences. We don’t always have the same opinions. We don’t necessarily understand each other 100%. By communicating, using I language instead of you and not shooting on each other. I look at Frederic for Frederic. This is who he is. He’s not a man that’s husband and should do this and act this way. It allows the individual to be in the relationship. That’s what’s connected us so much more.
I was thrown in the roles quickly right after we met each other. I knew right away that I wanted to be with this woman. I wanted to marry this woman. I wanted to create my family life. That’s all nice. In reality, I’m stepping into being a husband once we’re married. A year after we get married, we have kids. I’m stepping into the role of father. It’s stressful. I had the role of also being a businessman. How do you juggle all of that? It was stressful. I didn’t know how to handle all of these roles. Who are my role models? My father was my role model. He did whatever he could to show me to be a father. I didn’t realize I was repeating some of the things that he was repeating too that went from generation to generation, which wasn’t necessarily serving me as a husband or as a father. These are the roles that we get into by default.
We don’t realize it. We don’t know anything different. That’s consciousness.
I didn’t know I was doing that. That’s what we do. We get into these roles. How do we act in these different roles? Instead, once I figured out, “Frederic has a hair. Frederic has a heartbeat, has a soul, has a wanting and has a love for her.” Once I figured out, what does Frederic want in the space of fatherhood, in the space of being a husband, in the space of being in business? In all aspect and being with friends. It’s the same thing. It’s not necessarily a role we take on. When we look at it from the inside of us, then things change. It starts to change from that. That’s one of the aspects I want to talk about that we do in our couples’ retreat is that we show people how to come from the I instead of the You.
We fell in love and within a year and a month, we were engaged. Another month later, we were married. Within a year and a couple of months, we were married. A year later, we had Alex and then when he was seven months old, we got pregnant with Maxim. Our boys are sixteen months apart. I was building a business. It was a full thing. All of a sudden, we found ourselves not where we wanted to be in our relationship. That’s where we had to roll up our sleeves and start the work. I’m deeply grateful that both of us committed not only to our own personal growth but to each other in this. I can honestly say we tease and it is true for us that we go decade by decade. We have our commitments each decade. After we were married for ten years, we said, “Now, these are the things we want for this next decade.” We’ll see how we feel in another nine years if we want to be together still and renew our contract with each other.
We wanted to be able to have and design our relationship the way we wanted it. Here’s an opportunity for you to get practical steps and information. The first thing we need to start doing is focusing on what do you love about your partner? What are the good things? What are the things that you were attracted to in the beginning? There’s a reason that you’re in a committed relationship. This show will be for anybody to be able to learn practical, skillful steps and information tools in any relationship. In this thing called life, in this human experience we’re having, we’re always in relationship with someone or something whether it’s money or careers or another person. The most significant person we can be in a relationship with is our committed couple.
Conscious Coupling: Reminds yourselves and go through the story of how you both met.
Whether you call this person a life partner or you call this person a husband or a wife. This is the person you supposedly should be the most intimate with. I don’t like to say should but could and have the possibility. We have to remember that the first rule of anything, whether it’s universal laws, energy, is that all relationships start inside of ourselves. One of the first things I to do was shift my own perception of man, of what it means to have a husband. All of the strong women that I had in my family, I watched them. I remember coming to Frederic one day and I said, “You cannot win.” He was like, “What are you talking about?” I said to him, “I realized every woman in my family, whether it was my mom or my aunts or my cousins, they all were never satisfied.” The husband didn’t make enough, didn’t do enough, didn’t bring her enough, didn’t gift enough or didn’t say enough. There was always this lack. It was never enough. I was programmed to look at him, whether it was him or anybody else, to look at the person I call husband and have it not be enough. He realized, on his end, of what you were raised with.
I was raised with a strong mother as well. A father who was present but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t emotionally involved. My mother was always waiting for him to show up. She was hoping to all of a sudden him saying, “Let’s go out at a restaurant and enjoy a night out together.” If it were for that, for example, dating each other. My father couldn’t do that. He did not learn how to do that from his own father. How could he do that? He was in the role of being a husband, being a father and that was it for him.
It was painful to see. It ended up in a divorce. My parents ended up divorcing each other. That’s what I had as an example of my father, of my mother. It translated into my relationship with Christy. That’s why I had to do my work is that the relationship I brought, what my father had. As soon as I got into the relationship as a husband, I felt like, “I didn’t need to do anything. It was up to her to run the household. I could be free to do whatever I wanted to do.” It didn’t feel good inside but that was what was going on inside of me.
While I was having that moment of, “You can never do enough or be enough,” because from inside of me, my expectation is I’m always going to be disappointed because that’s the legacy I was brought with. He at the same time had a perfect matching.
I’m going to disappoint anyways because I’m not doing enough and I am not enough. Why bother? It’s going to end up in disappointment. Why should I do anything?
It’s perfect Law of Attraction at its best. His pain points and my pain points were connecting together. We had to evolve that and allow ourselves, instead of connecting and relating from our traumas, from our pains, from the things we’re conditioned and have bounded parts of each other to come from the aligned part. What is that aligned part of us? That one that wants to express love, be creative, be there, be present, be emotionally available, to have fun, create visions, to travel, to have an adventure and to enjoy this life experience. We both had to connect with that and because of that up-leveling of not coming from the lower selves but coming from higher selves, our relationship, how we exchange and what we create together is completely different.
We’re going to help you all do that. We’re going to share our experiences and give tips. The first thing I want to say is that write down and look at what are the things you fell in love with your partner. You could think of your story of how you met, your whole courtship and how you started dating. What was it that made you say he’s the one or she’s the one? That knowing inside that I enjoy being with this particular person. I want to have a family with this person. What were those qualities? A lot of times we get into a long-term relationship and we’ve got a lot of resentment and hurt. It’s not because we meant to do that or we intentionally wanted to do that, but because people don’t act in the way we think they should, we get our feelings hurt.
As humans, we don’t know how to process out that energy, those hurts, and those pains. That’s what we’re here to help you do. Number one, what do you love about your partner? The next episode we’re going to be talking about the five love languages and how you can honestly give love in a way your partner can receive it. You can receive love in a way you can receive it because love means different things to different people. The way we talk, the way we act and the things that we do. Number one, think of how you met. What did you first enjoy? Write those things down and acknowledge and appreciate those qualities in your partner.
I am honored to serve you, number one. I’m honored to do this with you. You’re such a professional at what you do. I’m looking forward to doing more stuff together and enjoying the journey that we’re on together. Another point to add on that is to remind yourselves and go through that story of how you both met, how you met your partner. That always puts us in a better mood when we talk about our story, the story of the magic that happened when we both met each other. It was the week-long magic and everywhere, every step of the way of how it progressed into more and more of a relationship. There’s a feeling there somewhere. That feeling creates butterflies inside. It makes the heart beat a little more. That’s always fun to relate the story of how you met.
Thank you so much. Please leave us a comment. Let us know what you want to learn more about. We’re here to take suggestions. If you have different scenarios and situations that you’re in with your partner that you want to overcome, how would we handle it? What would our suggestions be? We would love to help you. Thank you so much for tuning in.
We’ll see you on the next episode.
