No relationship runs smoothly. That is why it takes a lot of effort to commit and remain loving. In this episode, Christy Whitman and Frederick Gobeil share the three blocks to a loving relationship. Whether in the family or at work, some things prevent love from flowing into our relationships. Christy and Frederick discuss these with us to offer a better way we can establish our relationships with other people. They pull from their own experiences on how they stumbled upon these blocks and how they went around it. Don’t miss this amazing conversation on finding your way towards a healthy and loving relationship.
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The Three Blocks To A Loving Relationship
We are talking about three blocks to love in your relationship. These are doozers. These are ones that we want to take a look at and make sure that on a daily basis that you are checking in with yourself. These are the things that will prevent your love from flowing into your relationship.
Are You Relating To One Another From Your Wounds?
The first one is relating to your partner, relating to one another from your wounds and from those limited parts of yourself. Those bounded parts of yourself, from the places where you feel you’re not enough, from the places that you’re holding onto hurts and resentments.
I’ll give you an example. We were driving in the car one day. We were talking about how our From Drama to Love program is now available for clients. I’m super excited about it. We were talking about the marketing of getting our stuff out there. He’s mentioned the word funnel.
In the internet marketing world, there’s a whole like, “What’s your funnel?” That bugs me. I was like, “It is not a funnel. It’s client experience.” How does someone get introduced to us or my work? For example, if it’s not a student couple stuff, what is the next step that they take if they feel that they want to work with me?
It’s client experience. How do they progress through deepening with my work and my coaching? We were talking in the car and I go, “I prefer to call it a client experience.” He came to me. He said, “I feel you’re criticizing what I’m saying. I feel like you’re trying to correct me.” I was telling him, “Thank you for telling me how you feel. However, I didn’t say you shouldn’t use the word funnel. I said I prefer to say client experience.”
It makes it more flowing for me. It makes it more of a service-based thing of how do we bring things people through the internet world. I said to him, “What would you have preferred I say because I feel I wasn’t coming from a critical place. I wasn’t trying to change you.”Our partner, no matter how much they give, will never be enough. Click To Tweet
For me, it was her saying, “I don’t like a funnel. I prefer the client experience.” I liked that, but at the moment, it felt for me as it was a cutoff. It felt like I was being told not to say a word and it pushed a button in me.
All of a sudden, I got reminded of when I was younger and my mother would finish my sentences. I would say something, I would communicate something in my French language and then my mother would say, “No, you mean to say this.” I was like, “I’m trying to communicate what I feel. What I’m trying to say is coming from me but your taking and changing it into your own words.” That’s something that I lived with. It didn’t feel good.
I carried that and it has become part of my growth to do as becoming a man. I had mentioned that to her and I said, “This reminds me of what my mother used to tell me. When I would talk, she would completely stop the conversation, interrupt and say, ‘You mean this. You mean this word. You mean that sentence.’ There was no space for me to say what I wanted to say.”
That’s what I felt at that moment. I felt that there was a charge of emotion coming up. I felt like, “What’s going on? Why are you interrupting me? Why are you saying another word?”
His child goes into the defense of you. “Why are you doing this to me?” When we talked about it very calmly, I said, “In my mind, I’m not criticizing you at all. If you want to say the word funnel, I’m not telling you to stop. I’m letting you know. I prefer client experience.”
That diffused it because he understood that I wasn’t doing that. That emotional reaction in him was still there for him. That’s his to work on but you can see, he’s a conscious man. He was aware of it at that moment.
What if he wasn’t aware of it or he was aware of it and came back to me and said, “Don’t criticize me? Stop talking to me like that.” Then I would put it back and go, “What are you talking about? I am just sharing. I like to call it client experience. I’m not telling you what you should or you shouldn’t be saying.”
It might have caused an argument or some disconnect. It is a block to flowing love. Since we were having this conscious conversation, he was able to share with me what was coming up for him. He knows like, “This is an issue for me. I got to look at this. I got to do my own releasing on this.” He owned it. He didn’t project it onto me and we were able to instantaneously come back to that connection of love.
Knowing that I don’t need to come from my ten-year-old who was being talked to like I’m being told what to say. Now, I’m the adult that’s running the show. I’m responsible for that ten-year-old to let him know, “It’s okay. I got you. I’ll take it from here.”
I’ll let her know that this doesn’t feel good in a calm way, in an adult way, so that she can hear me. She can understand what I’m going through.” That’s what I did. I explained to her. This is the emotion that I got. That’s the charge that I got when we had that conversation. It reminded me of my past conversation with my mother.
When a charge happens like that, our tendency is to close down our hearts. Our tendency is to self-protect. We don’t want to then open up our hearts to our partner because it seems like I’m the one that caused the charge in him, even though it wasn’t.
I didn’t even say it in a way that his mom used to say to him. I was saying, “I prefer client experience instead of the word funnel.” I didn’t say, “Frederic, what you mean to say is.” I didn’t do any of that, but the charge in him was the charge in him. That’s inside of him. It looks like because I said something that I caused it, but I didn’t.
That’s important for both people in a couple to understand that if you have this whoosh of emotions that are coming up, that’s triggering a whole old heart, an old resentment, anger or any of those things. It’s up to you to release that. Let yourself come back to your partner in an open-hearted way. That’s number one.
In response to what you’re saying, you’re in a relationship with your partner to work on the relationship with yourself.
That’s why we’re in a relationship. Every single religion at some point, every esoteric writing out there, and every mystery school has said that the reason we are here as spiritual beings is to return to the divine inside of ourselves. Embody that divine and shine that light onto everybody that we know on the planet. That’s what it’s about.
A relationship is a perfect way to return to that divine self inside and to return to that light. Sometimes it sucks because we bump up against each other. “If he would do this, he won’t be happy. If he would make me feel special, then I would. If she wouldn’t criticize me, then I’d feel okay about myself.”
These are places that we can even show gratitude and appreciation for our partners. If we do have contrast popping up, we do have hurts and resentments, and whooshes of emotions that we didn’t know were there, it’s like, “Thank you. I didn’t realize that was inside of me. Now, it’s mine to release.”
All the more reasons to work on doing the couple’s work, it will affect your work and your own growth. If there are any types of questions or issues that are arising, you are welcome to let us know. You can reach us on the website, ConnectedCoupling.com and fill out the form. We’ll gladly reach out to you for a session with us.
Even better, we’re doing a couples retreat in Carefree, Arizona. How would you love to feel carefree with your partner? It’s going to be the last weekend in February 2020. We’re looking forward. It’s a very small, intimate group of couples. You get alone time with Frederic and me.
We’ll do a lot of different healing of resentments. For this particular retreat, I’m working with the women as Goddess work. He’s working with the men as Warrior work, then we’re coming back together. It’s going to be a lot of interpersonal alone work plus with your couple. If you’re interested in learning more about that, you can go to ChristyWhitman.com/couples. That’s another thing that we’re offering.
Keeping Your Hearts Open Or Closing It Down?
We are back at number two. These are important. We will be going through these and how to release them at the retreat. The second one is closing down your heart. This is a big one because there are moments in our relationships where it causes us to close down our hearts.
We are the person that chooses, “Are we going to keep our hearts open and loving towards our partner or are we going to close down our hearts?” People do human things. We sometimes do things, don’t do things, say things, don’t say things and it’s not about the other person. Maybe, we’re just unconscious with what we’re saying or we’re off that day and we have to be aware of that. Where we have the choice is whether we open our hearts or close our hearts.
I want to tell you a story. This is what I do with the Council of Light when we do our couples work, when I bring in the Messengers of Light called the Quantum Council of Light in our couples therapy and in our couples retreat. We were at the Pat Benatar concert. We had front row.
I’ve seen Pat Benatar a couple of times. It was my first concert I have gone to. Neil Giraldo, her husband and guitar player is my favorite guitar player of all time. He’s very creative. He’s written a lot of music for her and a lot of her music were top hits. He’s a very creative human being. I love that about people when they’re genius and very creative.
We’re driving to the Pat Benatar concert with our boys. We’re front row. We got the boys with us. Frederic and I were driving there and I stated that I wanted to get the Neil Giraldo’s guitar pick. We had been at other shows. We have gotten to Joan Jett, Styx, Tesla and different members of those bands. I have this nice little collection happening, but I wanted to get Neil Giraldo.We have a choice in every moment, no matter what the theatrical of our lives are. Click To Tweet
We’re in the front row and Neil Giraldo himself is doing a guitar break looking right down at me. I was in complete heaven because he is my favorite. I like his songs. He then takes the guitar pick at that moment and tosses it out me. I was reaching for it. There was a barrier between us and then the stage. That’s where cameramen could go. It fell short. It went down where I’m not allowed to go.
Neil saw this and he went to go toss me another guitar pick. I’m out about to go reach for it. All I know is I get socked in the eye. My husband was trying to rescue me, trying to be the hero to get this guitar pick for me and he hits me with the back of his hand in my eye. I am like seeing the birds and the stars. I’m halfway. I’ve got one eye open. The other one is not.
I opened my eye after all the chaos and commotion because he started throwing a bunch of guitar picks. After that, he let it rain. I looked down and my son, Alex, has a guitar pick. I love Alex with all my heart, but I know Alex. That one is for him. He’s like, “It’s mine.” He has not given that guitar pick away. If it was Maxim, he’ll be like, “Here you go, mommy.” They knew that would mean a lot to me.
Alex has got his guitar pick. Frederic gets a guitar pick. There’s a group of women who we do not know next to us. They’re like, “Give her the guitar pick.” With my one good eye with the other one’s close, I’m watching this guitar pick being brought across my face as he hands it over this stranger.
I’m thinking Alex got a guitar pick. He’s got ours. This is our guitar pick. We don’t need another one. How many guitar picks do we need?
That was his. I wanted mine. I wonder where he gets it.
I was like, “I got a big heart. Let’s give this guitar pick to these ladies right here on the side. They don’t have any.”
I’m sitting there at a Pat Benatar concert. In the first row and I’ve got Spyder threw me two guitar picks. The guitar pick that was supposed to be mine was given to somebody else by my husband, who punched me in the eye. I turned to him and I said, “I don’t know if I’m more mad at you for punching me in the eye or giving away that guitar pick.”
All this happened while there’s music. Pat Benatar is still singing on stage. She’s still singing our song and she’s like, “I got a black eye.”
She is singing Heartbreaker. I start singing Heartbreaker to my husband because he broke my heart. At that moment, I am really mad. I had a moment of I could either close my heart down and do a total cut off from him. That’s what I feel like doing. I was pissed. My eyes were pulsating. It’s tearing. It was bad. I’d never been hit in the eye before. It was smart. I even told him, “I will probably have a black eye tomorrow.” What did I know? I’ve never been hit in the eye. I did drama.
I had that moment of I have a choice because I’m here having a great time with my family. This incident happened. I can feel the pulsation of the energy of the anger. I let it go. I happen to be at a rock concert. The base was going. The guitar was going. Her music is like a scream.
I got into my belly and I felt the anger. I felt the pulsation of it. I stayed present in the midst of all of us going on. It takes about 90 seconds to process the emotion. I allowed myself to process it. I brought in light. I allowed myself to bring in the love. I made the decision to keep my heart open to my husband. That was a little three-minute moment with all that drama. It made a great story.
However, I had a choice in that matter. Am I going to keep my heart open or am I going to close down my heart? That is the second obstacle to love. He didn’t mean to hit me in the eye. I was calling him. I turn around after that. I later stopped because he had hurt me the other day with something else. I’m like, I’m not going to call him anymore because he’s going to hurt me again.
All that to say, we have a choice in every moment, no matter what the theatrics of our lives are. No matter what he says, what he doesn’t say, what he does or what he doesn’t do, it’s our choice. It was my choice at that moment to either close down my heart and continue to try to have a good time feeling that anger.
Try to feel joy when you’re feeling anger doesn’t work. I can return to my joy and be in the front row with my kids and I did. After that, it was amazing because Hit Me With Your Best Shot came on. It was too bad it wasn’t the song that was out when he did hit me with his best shot.
We were able to videotape Alex and I singing that song because that’s one of the songs that he knows. We had a fantastic great time. By the way, I got a guitar pick at the end of the night, so did Maxim. Everybody was good. The point is that I opened my heart back.
Here’s my perspective on that. When all that happened, I don’t understand what’s going on. I bumped her with my open hand trying to reach out. There’s another meaning to that afterward. For me, it was the reaction to what had happened after I did that. I felt like she overreacted, overdramatized.
The worst thing that I could have done would have been to tell her, “Take it easy. Why are you acting up like this? We’re at a concert. What’s going on? Relax. Everything’s okay. Enjoy the show.” I had to come from my heart as well knowing that I probably hurt her even though I don’t feel it. She’s the one that’s feeling it.
I can be sensitive to it, coming to her and wrapped her around with my arms, even though she didn’t want to have my arms around her. I said, “Are you okay, baby? I’m sorry for hurting you, for punching you.” That diffused it a little bit because we both came from our hearts. We’re there to enjoy it together. We’re not there to create any tension or conflict on the way back home in the car, wanting to beat each other up.
Thank you for sharing that perspective. You did. You were stroking my back and asking me, “Are you okay? That helped me to be like, “Stay in your heart, open your heart.” Thank you for not telling me to relax or get over myself or any of that stuff because that would have added fuel to that.
That’s the thing. When it comes up, roll your tongue a couple of times. That’s our reaction. It’s like, “Come on, we’re here. Let’s enjoy the show. Stop doing this. Let’s enjoy it with me.”
At that point, we let it go for the night, but the next morning I came to him. My eye was hurting the next morning too. I can’t open my eye. I came to him and I said, “I’m curious. What was that about? You reached out to be my hero to grab the pick and then you give it away. It’s inconsistent.”
We had a discussion around that. I left with, “I have a question about what was that about?” He went in within himself to figure out what was that about and later communicated it with me. We got a lot of information out of that scenario for both of us that helped him learn more about him. He learned more about me and we learn about each other, which was great.
If You Would Change, I Could Be Happy
Number three is one of the biggest blocks to love. “If you would change, I could be happy.” If you expect your partner to do something or be something so that you can feel a certain way, that is a huge block to love.
What I mean by that is if you would take me out for a nice romantic dinner and create this beautiful night so that I can feel loved. I can feel special. You could put out the request. I’d love for you to take me on a nice date night. If the date night doesn’t curl your toes like you’re expecting it to, then you feel he’s less than. If he would change, if he would show me that he loves me or that I’m special that all is coming from within.
If you’re feeling you need your partner to make you feel special, you are looking at the wrong source. He will never be able to source you the way you need to be sourced. You need to come from a place of feeling you’re special. You’re loved, you matter, you’re important.
When you give that to yourself and you connect with your divine self and be given that energetic feeling and that filling up from that perspective, then you’re not looking to your partner to source you in ways. Whether if you would be more romantic, if you be more conscious, if you would be more understanding or if you would do these things, then I would find peace in that myself or I’d find freedom or I’d find happiness.If you're feeling you need your partner to make you feel special, you are looking at the wrong source. Click To Tweet
Whenever we are putting out and assigning our stuff that we’re in need of or wanting to our partner, we will continue to feel the sense of lack. Our partner, no matter how much they give, even if they try to show up, they will never be enough. They’ll never meet the expectations. That is something that is a huge block to love because if you’re blocked in love, you need to go where the source of your love is. That’s up and that’s him.
What happens when you’re able to look within, you’re coming from your I. When you’re talking about something, an issue that you feel and you want to communicate it, you’re not saying, “When you’re like this or when you don’t do this.” When you put the blame on your spouse, all of a sudden, this is it. You’ll have a defensive return or a defensive action coming back to you.
Come from the I and say what you prefer. Say, “I feel like when I’m out of town for five days, I am looking for a connection with you of some sort.” Coming from the I, then your partner can hear and understand what’s going on.
For more information, go to ConnectedCoupling.com or you can go to ChristyWhitman.com/couples. On next episode, we’re going to talk about how to fall back in love with your partner if you feel you’ve fallen out. Thank you so much for being here and hopefully, we have entertained you.