toxic relationship or twin flame

Recently I received a text from a friend telling me about the #1 Netflix mini-series, “Escaping Twin Flames.” After watching the first two episodes, I had to turn it off.  In another article, I clarify the integrity red flags to watch for before working with any spiritual coach.  In this follow-up article, I’ll debunk the myths around “twin flames,” and point out 3 ways to immediately spot a toxic relationship.   


What is a “Twin Flame?”

Let me clarify from the start that I’ve never resonated with the phrase “twin flame.”  While I believe firmly in soul connections, the idea that we each have only one soulmate is based in scarcity, not abundance.  And in fact, as a master coach and the creator of the Attracting Your Ideal Partner coaching program, this recent conversation around twin flames concerns me.  


Some people justify pursuing or staying in a toxic relationship by giving their partner the label of “twin flame.”  What follows are 3 distinctions to help you clarify whether you’ve found your soulmate, or are embroiled in a relationship that’s toxic.


Toxic Relationship Distinction #1: Your soulmate may trigger your emotional wounds to help you heal.  A toxic partner purposely triggers your wounds to keep you hooked.


Intimate relationships inevitably trigger unhealed emotional wounds from our past. The act of opening our hearts naturally evokes all the situations from our past when our hearts were broken.  If you’ve found your soulmate, their love will help you will heal your emotional frailty and regain faith in yourself and in love.  But if you’re in a toxic relationship, that person will intentionally trigger your wounds as a way to keep you immature and dependent.  To figure out which is which, reflect on whether you keep enacting the same dramas in your relationship.  If so, this may be a sign that your relationship is toxic.  


Toxic Relationship Distinction #2:  Toxic relationships cause our spiritual growth to stagnate, whereas soulmates are catalysts for one another’s expansion.


In the time you’ve been with your significant other, are you closer to or further away from the version of yourself that you most desire to be?  If you as an individual are not growing in a positive direction, your relationship may be holding you back.  


Ask yourself, “If in the next year, I were to embody all my desired attributes, how would my partner likely respond?”  Your soulmate will always be a cheerleader for you becoming your very best self.  If your partner tries in any way to hold you back, he or she is no good for you.     


Toxic Relationship Distinction #3:  Soulmate connections are about two whole people coming together in love and joy.  Toxic relationships are based in dependence and inequality.  


Do you feel compelled to drop everything to be at this person’s side whenever he or she is in need?  Are you their primary sounding board for family, friend group or work-related grievances?  And most important of all, do you feel the energy you expend in this relationship is reciprocated?  


A soulmate will seek your energy and your counsel, but it will be a give-and-take relationship.  A toxic person seeks to position themselves at the center of conversations, either to feed their sense of self-importance or to gain sympathy.  To determine if your relationship is equal or one-sided, reflect on the following: Do I feel energized or drained after spending time with this person?  Do I feel this person is as invested in my life, my relationships and my goals as I am in theirs?   When I draw a boundary in order to focus on myself, is this person understanding or do they act out to get my attention when I’m trying to invest it elsewhere?  


Both soulmate relationships and toxic relationships can be sources of fascination and intense chemistry.  The difference is, a soulmate will always support your emotional healing, spiritual growth and personal autonomy, while a toxic person will undermine your journey toward wholeness. 


Christy Whitman is an energy healer, Master Certified Law of Attraction Coach, and the New York Times bestselling author of The Art of Having It All: A Woman’s Guide to Unlimited Abundance.  Her latest book, The Desire Factor: How to Embrace Your Materialistic Nature to Reclaim Your Full Spiritual Power is on sale now at Christy communicates with, and for, The Quantum Council, a collection of non-physical ascended masters who desire to help humanity understand that we are divinely designed for well-being, abundance, success, and loving relationships. You can take the first step in aligning with and creating your desires by participating in a free 10-day Challenge called Watch Your Words: Click here to learn more;