Ah, jealousy — that green-eyed monster that rears its head anytime we perceive a threat to something we desire or hold dear and keeps us from finding happiness.
Sometimes, being jealous is absolutely warranted. It sounds off like a warning bell, alerting us that an important boundary is being — or is about to be — crossed.
Most of the time, however, our feelings of jealousy are unwarranted — even irrational. They occur not to warn us of an actual threat but to make us aware of the distortion in our own perception.
Freeing ourselves of unwarranted feelings of jealousy is always an inside job. It has nothing whatsoever to do with confronting, changing, or withdrawing from the circumstances that provoked it.
The key to learning how to deal with jealousy involves using those feelings to discover what it is calling you to heal and leads you to a happy life and healthy relationships.
There are three important steps that will guide you — gently and sequentially — to find healing and happiness.
The first important thing to understand about jealousy is that it can only exist when we are in a consciousness of lack. We perceive that there is not enough of something we want, or that something we love will be taken away.
This perception may be as a result of an old betrayal or emotional wound. It could arise from a limiting belief or insecurity we’re holding as the truth about ourselves or our perception of lack could stem from our interpretation of another person’s behavior.
In other words, what we are making their behavior mean about us.
In every case, the first step to releasing jealousy is to shift our mindset from one of lack to one of abundance and appreciation.
You need to acknowledge that the feeling of jealousy always means one important thing: You care deeply about this person or situation.
Whatever you’re feeling jealous about really matters to you. If you didn’t value it highly, you wouldn’t fear losing it. And, if it wasn’t something you really wanted, you wouldn’t feel the pang of not having it.
This is actually great news! It means there are many positive aspects of this subject that you could choose to focus on. And by focusing on the positive aspects of whatever has evoked your jealousy, you move from fear to appreciation. The energy of fear constricts and, therefore, erodes relationships.
The energy of appreciation encourages every positive aspect of it to thrive, expand, and become more.
Bring to mind the aspects of this relationship that are working well, and that you’d like to maintain and expand. Make a list of all that you appreciate from the past and all that you are looking forward to experiencing in the future.
By exercising control over your own focus, you begin to recover your own personal power.
Take a step back from the story in your mind
The perspective we hold at any moment in time informs the content of our internal dialog. A mindset of jealousy or scarcity will generate thoughts that reflect this, such as “This won’t last” or “All of the good ones are taken.”
Negative emotional states perpetuate negative self-talk and vice versa.
It’s vital that we recognize that thoughts like these are not statements of truth — they’re only stories we’re telling ourselves. But, like self-fulfilling prophecies, these stories may play out in our lives if we feed them with our attention.
The powerful Law of Attraction brings to us evidence of what we expect and believe.
When a feeling of jealousy comes over you, be aware that these feelings will likely inspire a story. These are not necessarily the truth, but they are consistent with the low vibration of jealousy.
To the best of your ability, do not indulge these low-level thoughts, for they will only perpetuate low-level emotions. Instead, distract yourself with thoughts and images that bring you a feeling of relief.
Fill yourself up from within
When jealousy overtakes us, it’s tempting to look to another person for love, validation, and soothing.
If only our partners were more attentive, affectionate, or interested, then we’d feel secure.
If only our boss appreciated our efforts, then we wouldn’t feel so threatened by our colleague’s success.
But seeking even the slightest bit of control over another person’s behavior is a trap. And even if we succeed in extracting more of what we think we need, it doesn’t sustain us for long.
When we view other people as the cause of our happiness or unhappiness, we render ourselves utterly dependent. And, just like any other addiction, we begin to crave more and more of their attention over time.
No one enjoys feeling responsible for the emotional sustenance of another person. At the core of every human being is a passionate desire for freedom. And the most basic of our personal freedoms is the freedom to direct our own attention.
The more attention we seek, the more the other person will naturally and instinctively pull away.
So what’s the solution? Make the powerful choice to fill yourself up from the inside. Decide not to seek validation, attention or reassurance from others, and instead, to give these things to yourself.
Here is a simple 4-step process for filling yourself up from within:
Bring to mind the particular person or situation that is evoking jealousy within you.
Allow yourself to experience fully the feelings associated with it, and to identify the feelings that are the most painful.
For example, “I feel insecure. I’m afraid of loss. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid this is slipping away.”
Then, take a few deep breaths and let that go.
Imagine the other person involved in this situation giving you everything you believe you need in order to feel better.
Imagine them saying the words you’re longing to hear. See them performing the actions you’ve been wanting them to take. And, now, allow yourself to notice how you believe you would feel as a result.
Would you feel secure? Safe? Reassured? Cherished? Loved?
Try to identify the most significant emotion. How would you most like to feel in relation to this situation?
Imagine a waterfall of beautiful light energy flowing down on you and through you.
And this beautiful energy is alive and sparkling with the feeling state you most want and need.
Let this soak into every pore and fill in every space. Breathe it into your heart. Invite this energy to inspire your thoughts, soothe your mood, and surround you.
Allow yourself to identify one action you can take to anchor this energy within you.
It could be something simple like soaking in a hot bath. It could be planning a night out with an old friend or treating yourself to a movie night at home. Choose something that will bring about the feeling state you’re reaching for.
If you’re seeing signs of jealousy in your relationship — romantic or otherwise — it’s time to take steps to ensure it doesn’t block happiness from your life.
As you take this self-loving, self-filling action to deal with jealousy and learn how to be happy in life, acknowledge that you are the source of your own well-being.
Feel yourself filling up with your own love and regard. By filling yourself up from the inside out, you strengthen your immunity to jealousy.
Have you ever worked really hard to reach your goal, only to achieve it and feel like, “Wait, is this all there is?” You met the goal, but it didn’t bring you the happiness you thought it would?
This is actually a very common experience, and here’s why.
Most of us were raised on fairy tales in which the prince wins the kingdom and the princess lives happily ever after. We’re taught that if we’re pretty enough, smart enough, brave enough or work hard enough, we’ll get what we desire. And, we’re told, the achievement of those things will make us happy.
How many of these scenarios sound familiar?
“I’ll be happy when I get promoted and earn a higher salary.”
“I’ll be happy if I lose 10 pounds before my high school reunion.”
“I’ll be happy when my husband pays more attention to me.”
These are all examples of conditions that most of us believe will make us happy. And sometimes they do, for a minute.
The problem arises when we conclude that our feel-good came from the thing we’ve just achieved. Why? Because if we believe that our happiness comes from the thing, we set ourselves on a never-ending treadmill. We keep striving for the next achievement and the one after that, but none of them satisfy us for long. This “outside-in” approach to happiness sets us on a lifelong journey toward a destination that we can never reach.
So how do we break free from this cycle? By realizing that it was never the thing – the relationship, the event, the money, the circumstance – that brought happiness.
Think about it. Is it possible to be blissfully content on a crowded, noisy subway? Of course, it is. Can you feel sad, frustrated or anxious when you’re on a 5-star luxury vacation? Absolutely. As the old saying goes, money can get us on the boat, but the rest is up to us.
The conditions we find ourselves in at any moment can support our happiness, but they cannot create them. Likewise, the people or circumstances around us may encourage our disconnection, but we are the ones who make the choice to disconnect. Happiness truly is an inside job, and if we want to experience it, we have to approach it from within.
Here are 3 steps for reclaiming your happiness – before, during, and after you’ve reached your goals:
Separate your goal from the feeling you believe achieving it will produce. The only reason you’re pursuing the goal in the first place is that you believe it will make you feel a certain way. Think about it. If you desire more money, it’s not because you like the feeling of paper between your fingers. It’s because you associate money with a particular positive feeling, such as freedom, security, or fun. If you have a goal to travel or to be married by a certain age, it’s because you believe those conditions will make you happy. The first step in reclaiming your happiness is to identify the feeling state you’re going after. By doing this, you make your goal unconditional and therefore under your own control.
Acknowledge that the feeling you desire can only be generated from within. The attainment of that feeling state is something that you have the ability to achieve in a really wide variety of ways. And almost always, there is something you could do right in the moment to raise your vibration. So, if you believe money will give you freedom, ask yourself, “What could I do, right now, to feel free? If you believe being married will make you feel loved, what could you do to enhance your experience of love?
Make happiness your goal, not the “thing.”Since happiness is what we’re all seeking, doesn’t it make sense to make that our goal? You don’t need a “thing” to be happy. And in fact, if you’re counting on that thing to make you happy, it never will.You must decide ahead of time to be happy. And when you do, you put yourself in the best place to receive the best of what life has to offer you.
You’ve probably been there. A coworker not only blows something completely out of proportion but needlessly involves others as well.
A friend or family member is disappointed by something life has brought them, and somehow concludes you are to blame.
Your spouse or lover reacts with way more emotionally charged energy than a situation calls for.
What now?
Logically, you probably understand these reactions are the result of some unresolved issue from the past… but how do you sidestep them? And, even more critically, what if you are the person who finds yourself overreacting?
The first thing to understand about cultivating a drama-free life is that you can’t “get to the bottom” of drama.
What you focus on becomes more.
The powerful Law of Attraction states that like attracts like, meaning like energies will continue to build and become stronger. Drama thrives on more drama. Pain begets more pain. Combatting negativity with negativity is the fastest way to create more of it.
The most important clue about sidestepping drama is not to engage in it in the first place. Trying too hard to be the voice of reason will only result in more noise.
So what can you do when you find yourself becoming (or already engaged in) someone else’s drama?
Here are 4 simple habits for cultivating a drama-free life:
Habit #1:Watch your words – both the words you speak aloud and those you offer in the privacy of your own mind. Language does not just describe reality; language creates reality.
By examining the words you’re using, you gain valuable insight into how you are interpreting any given situation. Words like, “I can’t,” “I should/shouldn’t have,” “I always/never,” “I have to” indicate that you’re already knee-deep in drama.
Another, more direct, way to distinguish this is by paying attention to how you feel.
When you’re engaged in drama with another person, you always feel bad. By definition, being in drama means you’re coming from a lack-based perspective. You’re seeing yourself either as a victim, a persecutor, or a rescuer. In other words, you’re reacting, not responding.
Whenever you feel yourself identifying with one of these roles, disengage before Law of Attraction makes the drama bigger. And the best way to do this is to be mindful of the words you offer both aloud and in your internal dialog. Turn disempowering language into statements of empowerment.
Habit #2:Explore your options.
Have you ever been so fixated on a problem that you couldn’t see a solution right in front of you? This is what it’s like to be mired in drama (someone else’s or our own). Our negative thoughts and feelings blind us to seeing how many options are truly available to us in every situation.
Whenever you find yourself feeling stuck, make a list of at least 10 different ways you could approach the situation.
Even if you don’t have the option of walking away, you can always exercise your right to withdraw your attention. You also have the power to decide how to interpret a situation, and what conclusions to draw from it.
Your point of view is an option.
You can choose to dwell on everything that’s already happened, or to focus on what you now want to create. When you’re willing to give up the mindset of scarcity, you become present to the abundance that’s all around you. And when drama comes into contact with neutrality, it loses all momentum.
Habit #3: Claim Your Power to Choose
Having explored all your available options, you can now choose one in alignment with the outcome you seek.
Every time something unwanted occurs, it brings with it the gift of clarity. If you feel disrespected, you’re clear about wanting more respect. When a relationship is in turmoil, it clarifies how much you value harmony. And when you’ve experienced too much drama or chaos, you’re never clearer about your desire for peace.
Use your innate power of choice to align yourself with the solution you seek, rather than the problem.
Habit #4: Release with Love
The final habit for sidestepping drama is to no longer push against it in resistance.
Trying to control the behavior of anyone other than yourself is a losing battle every time. Do your best to release your own emotionally charged thoughts and judgments. Give up your perspective about what others should do. Let go of your need to be vindicated or validated.
The bottom line…
If you want less drama in your life, leave your drama at the door. If you want peace, bring it with you everywhere you go. When you stop fanning the flames of drama, Law of Attraction will stop bringing it around.
Christy Whitman is an energy healer, celebrity coach, and the New York Times bestselling author of The Art of Having It All: A Woman’s Guide to Unlimited Abundance. To understand how to more deliberately co-create the life you desire, visit www.watchyourwords.com and gain access to a free 30-day training.
Are your personal relationships strained or combative? Do you often find yourself in power struggles with friends or people at work? If so, you could be playing one or more roles within the Drama Triangle and not even know it. Here’s how you can be more aware of – and break free of – these manipulative relationship dynamics once and for all.
The Drama Triangle was developed in the 1960s by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman, to explain what creates unhealthy relationships between people. Karpman observed that anytime we feel angry, victimized or misunderstood, it’s because we’ve slipped into one of three unconscious and disempowering roles:
Drama Triangle Roles
The Persecutor plays the role of the bully, criticizing and blaming others in order to disconnect from more vulnerable feelings.
The Victim avoids making decisions, solving problems, or taking responsibility for her circumstances. Instead, she attempts to get her needs met indirectly – and will blame others if things don’t work out.
The Rescuer is the self-proclaimed hero or good guy. If we’re caught up in this role, we try to help others even when it violates their boundaries. We try to rescue others even at the expense of ourselves. Later, we may feel resentful if that person fails to give us the acknowledgment we think we deserve.
In an unhealthy relationship, these three roles are highly interchangeable – meaning we may cycle in and out of them many times in a single conversation. For example, the perpetrator, realizing his outburst has triggered sadness in his target, may suddenly try to rescue that person. And the target, w
ho was moments ago a victim of the perpetrator’s anger, may switch into the role of perpetrator and lash out.
Regardless of which role we play, participating in the Drama Triangle is an exhausting way to live. We may succeed in controlling others in the short term. But in the long run, we deny ourselves the power to create relationships based on mutual respect and joy.
What makes matters worse is that our participation in these dramas is often unconscious. We simply reenact the same scenarios we saw being played out in our families of origin.
Here are 3 principles to help you recognize when you’ve fallen into the Drama Triangle… so you can break free from it once and for all:
Principle #1: It only takes one.
So often, we’re motivated to change our behavior because we want someone else to improve theirs. But this is a trap that puts our happiness in the hands of someone else. Begin by acknowledging that no matter how anyone interacts with you, you have the power to choose a different response. By choosing to deliberately respond rather than reflexively react, you set into motion an entirely different outcome.
Principle #2: Your words have power.
Our words reflect our dominant perspective and mindset. They are the building blocks that we use to create our day to day reality.
Language such as “can’t,” “should/shouldn’t,” “ought to,” “have to,” etc. are indications that we have fallen into Victim, Perpetrator, or Rescuer mode.
When you’re using words to conceal your true needs or desires, you’re in the Drama Triangle. The same thing goes when you’re withholding communication out of fear of others’ reactions.
In every moment, we have the choice to look for what’s working well or to focus on what’s missing or lacking. One thought pathway leads to freedom and personal responsibility; the other to a mindset of lack and blame. The words you use will clue you in to which way you’re headed.
Principle #3: You are responsible for guarding your own energy.
You have a built-in guidance system that always lets you know when something or someone is negatively affecting your energy. This internal GPS speaks to you in the language of your emotions.
The moment you begin to feel stressed out, annoyed or defensive, give yourself permission to disengage. Your emotional guidance system will alert you as to whether you are heading down a path of empowerment or one of bondage.
Remember, the Drama Triangle is a manipulation dynamic that feeds on itself. If you don’t play the role you’re being assigned, you starve it of the fuel it needs to survive.
